February 28, 2013 | 9:15am
"Because We Can" Tour. 7:30 p.m. Saturday, March 2, at BB&T Center, 1 Panther Parkway, Sunrise. Tickets start at $29.50 with fees. Call 954-835-8000, or visit thebbtcenter.com.
Time is money, right? Well, in a comparable fashion, drugs and rock 'n' roll can be boiled down to a lone common entity. Coincidentally (or not), this shared denominator is none other than the final piece of that popular discursive triad. What we mean is, "sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll" is really just a fancy way of saying "sex, sex, and sex." In fact, just about everything can be boiled down to doing it, bumpin' uglies, freakin', kertanging, and so on.
Tell us that Jon Bon Jovi and his battalion of '80s arena-rock hairspray are bringing their classic, anthemic shout-along epics to BB&T Center in Sunrise, and all we hear is "JBJ is droppin' Granny's panties!"
But our speculation regarding the perpetually "Livin' on a Prayer," Top 40 megastar, his eponymously named band, and their collective, righteously lustful relationship with GILFs is not entirely unfounded. Nor is it based exclusively on YouTube videos of nonagenarians acting like suburban New Jersey hoochie mamas circa 1986. Although, y'know, those don't hurt either.
We recently read an article on Canada's Sun News Network
about a pair of frothingly horny 87-year-olds who rolled up (white girl wasted, we assume) to BJ's recent concert at Air Canada Centre and salaciously cast devil horns with their sexually tense clenched fists. And they decried obscenities, such as the lecherous observation that Jon Bon Jovi is "nice to look at."
With regard to that last bit -- a sweltering, jaw-clenching, hair-pulling, eyeball-ripping sexual attraction to JBJ himself -- the son of one of the granz in question remarked that his dear ol' mummy was "going to have something in common with a lot of other women there." Which brings us back to our thesis: No one is better at making grannies drop their panties than Bon Jovi.
- Matt Preira
Tito Puente Jr.
7:30 p.m. Friday, March 1, at Bienes Center for the Arts, 2801 SW 12th St., Fort Lauderdale. Tickets start at $19.99 with fees. Call 954-513-2272, or visit bienescenterforthearts-sta.org.
Is there a parallel to be drawn between present-day cinema's relentless sequel obsession and the increasing frequency with which musical artists perform some kind of tribute set? If you loved Ridley Scott's original 1979 space thriller Alien, will you necessarily enjoy Prometheus? Or even Alien Vs. Predator? And if you loved Puerto Rican jazz composer and player Tito Puente, can it be assumed that you will enjoy the percussive stylings of his son, Tito Puente Jr.?
We haven't seen it yet, but we're pretty sure A Good Day to Die Hard doesn't compare to the first time we saw John McClane eat terrorists for breakfast and narrowly avoid explosive fireballs. However, when it comes to Tito Jr., the analogy slinks away from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and cuddles right up alongside The Empire Strikes Back and Terminator 2. And that's because, like every good sequel, TP2 doesn't just rest on reputation: The story of this master percussionist's rhythmic lineage is active, engaging, and sincere.
- Matt Preira
"The Execution Tour," with Paper Diamond and Vaski. 8 p.m. Saturday, March 2, at Club Cinema, 3251 N. Federal Highway, Pompano Beach. Tickets cost $25 plus fees. Call 954-785-5225, or visit clubcinemapompano.com.
If you've ever dreamed about witnessing a live execution on a stage surrounded by screaming girls in next-to-nothing Kandi Kid garb and furry boots, you're (a) in luck, and (b) the sickest reader we know. Kudos, creep.
Before you strip out of your business-casual 9-to-5 regalia and into last Halloween's Dexter costume, however, we should let you know that Excision's "Execution Tour," which slices through Club Cinema on Saturday, March 2, isn't an actual execution. It's a proverbial one.
When the Canadian dubstepper gets behind the decks of his massive "executioner" stage each night of his 55-city tour, he does so with the intention of killing it every damned time. Whether it's the "420 square feet of world-class, true-3D, video-mapped animations" or the heavy bass bangers he's dropping, every element of Excision's show is designed to blow your mind. And you can't say we didn't warn y'all.
- Victor Gonzalez