Last night, TMZ broke the news that Britney Spears would not be returning as a judge on Reality TV talent show and American Idol-knockoff, The X-Factor.
The gossip e-rag also reported, via anonymous insider, that Spears is considering recording a new album and getting back on her tour grind.
We suspect that this recent erratic behavior involves nothing less than a vast moronic conspiracy involving Brit, Will.I.Am., MDMA, and even MDNA. That's right: Madonna!
Cue the violins and select the noir-est Instagram filter, 'cause this plot is thick.
Wait, did we ever figure out if that's actually Britney Spears in the above video? It looks like her. So, at the very least, it's like, an approximation of what it would look like if Britney Spears was the subject of a sketchy, shadowy interrogation, on ecstasy.
Let us theorize, or shapeshift for a moment.
You're on the other side of the glass, the camera, which to Britney, who is rolling her face off, is a mirror, and you're stroking. Your beard. No. Your goatee. And even if it's not Britney, it's close enough that at one point or another you encountered a quantifiable degree of belief that lingers even though most of you subscribes to the digest that lists the myriad, well-founded reasons that it's not actually Britney Spears, but just some anonymous jabroni that looks and sounds like Britney Spears, on drugs.
But what if it is Britney? And even if it's not, even if it's only an intense lookalike, are you trying to imply, by denying the authenticity of this alleged Spears that she never -- in all of her partying, her raging, her writhing, her belligerent ecstatic hysteria -- took ecstasy? Her new single... Excuse us, Will.I.Am.'s new single (see also: "sign of the times"), sounds like club kid pill shit to us.
When Steve Aoki rubbed Avicii's bottom, and Madonna tooted out like a fart genie, and then proceeded to "jokingly" berate the audience for drugs -- like somebody's tragically desperate-to-be-cool Mom who is not the least concerned about buzzes or highs or pleasure but, strictly and only, acceptance, the higher the sociability the more intoxicating -- maybe she actually seriously trying to score some Molly?
Were Madonna and Britney on ecstasy when they made out at the VMAs? Why doesn't anybody ever care about the fact that Christina Aguilera was there, too? And was she rolling?
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to New Times Broward-Palm Beach's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling South Florida's stories with no paywalls.