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Britney Spears' Secret Valentine: Five Scandalous Suspects

This past Valentine's Day, Britney Spears was spotted on what appeared to be a romantic rendezvous with some regular ol' shmucko.

See also
- Britney Spears Quits X-Factor and Embraces EDM! Next Stop: MDMA Meltdown!!
- Britney Spears Does Las Vegas: Five Potential Themes for Her Upcoming Revue
- Six Drugs That Britney Spears Could Have Hypothetically Taken During Her Head-Shaving Meltdown

This is not the first time Spears has gone the anonymous route to find love. Remember, Kevin Federline built a brand around being ex-Mr. Britney Spears.

Everyone is speculating about this mysterious loverman. And none of Britney's reps are returning phone calls.

So we are left to speculate wildly about this bro's identity. Check it.

5. Drug Dealer

While this is the least likely candidate -- Britney doesn't really do drugs like she used to -- it's not completely unheard of for someone to fall off the wagon and into love with their pusherman.

4. Sobriety Sponsor

Or maybe it's someone she met at NA and/or Church and/or Scientologist Illuminati functions and/or rituals?

3. Time Traveling Freedom Fighter

Or maybe this guy is from the future and traveled back in time to prevent a different time traveling guy from killing Britney Spears, thereby sparking Charles Manson's long overdue Helter Skelter race war. Where are the fucking Mayans when you need them, aren't I correct?

2. Backup Dancer

Brit has been known to, ahem, shit where she eats (in addition to pee where she bathes and vomit bile where she sleeps). The probability is high that her secret boo is somebody that works for her.

1. Will.i.am. in Disguise

Yeah, we get paid to write this crap. But instead of money, they give us a flaming barrel of discarded peanut shells (see also: Roadhouse Grille) and a leather boot overflowing with gin.



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