Here at New Times, we are infamous for glorifying the rich and famous and mocking all the stupid things they do. That being said, we decided to create a kinder list for New Year's, giving some celebs advice on which resolutions they should make this 2014. A lot of these guys need a ton of work, and we're just here to help.
So, without further ado, here is our list. See if any of your favorites made this shameful list.
Miley Cyrus: Keep your tongue in your mouth
Keep at least one body part at bay.
Amanda Bynes: Get off Twitter forever
For starters, let's not tweet at other celebrities, or anyone for that matter, that you want them to "murder" your vagina. Not throwing bongs out the window and trying to burn down places is also a good start to the New Year.
Alex Rodriguez: No more performance enhancing drugs for you
And we don't mean in the bedroom.
Kanye West: Stop referring to yourself as everyone else in the whole world
We know you pledged no new rants in 2014, but we'd really also like you to stop comparing yourself to those clearly greater than you, like Nelson Mandela. Makes you sound like a crazy person.
Taylor Swift: Write a song about you and an ex getting along
Not all your exes can be that bad! Write a song titled "This Ex Is Actually Cool, and We're Now Cordial."
Adele: Make another depressing breakup album
Clearly the opposite of Taylor Swift's resolution, only because you can hit those notes, girl!
Ben Affleck: Stay away from superhero roles
Please.
Reese Witherspoon: Don't use "celeb card" to get out of trouble
The whole "do you know who I am" thing gets old super fast. Be like us normal people and own up.
Rihanna: Filter your Instagram
We are referring to keeping the TMI pics off Instagram, not the actual filters it features.
Jennifer Lawrence - Don't change. Ever.
You're awesome in our book, J-Law, and everyone loves ya! Maybe wear a shorter dress to the Oscars. But that's it.
Justin Bieber: Grow up
Spitting on people is seriously not acceptable anywhere. And how the hell do you lose a monkey? Maybe now that J Biebs is retired, these preteen shenanigans have come to an end.
Chris Brown: Manage anger better
This will improve your rep and life immeasurably. Yoga and meditation are truly helpful in this area.
Adam Levine: Stay shirtless
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