Now more than ever, a true American issue has taken hold of the nation. Already close to 25,000 strong, the movement is proving that there are things of far more importance to Americans than Syria, gun control, and bipartisan bickering. We're talking, of course, of Kentuckian Jeff Cantrell's petition on change.org to have GWAR, the Universe's greatest band, officiate the halftime spectacle during the 2015 Super Bowl.
It is a goddamned shame that we will first have to suffer Bruno Mars during the 2014 show, a man who once asked why the "pucks were so big in football," a man whose entire athletic pedigree revolves around fitting himself into tight clothing without the aid of Vaseline. Or as my more meat-headed football-loving pals would say: one big pussy boy.
But fear not! Because there is strength in numbers! The same way library, firefighters, and pet lovers bound together using the online petition agency this past August to sway the votes of Miami-Dade Commissioners and bring to light the administrative shortcomings of Clown Prince Mayor Carlos Gimenez, we too can make a change!
In all honesty, these Super Bowl halftime shows have turned into gut-wrenching, non-sports-related drivel. When was the last good one? When Janet Jackson gave us an errant boob? Give us a break! What the gridiron needs is a musical act that can match the savagery and brutality that has been pummeled out of the sport! Intergalactic hero Oderus Urungus under his human guise of Redskins fan Dave Brockie pens a column for metalsucks.net, and while that might not be enough of a football alliance to make a dent, it has also been suggested by the prestigious Sports Illustrated journal that GWAR should become the NFL's official mascot.
Roger Goodell could seriously establish his legacy with such a move. So make sure you spread the word amongst your family and friends. Together we can make this happen. Together we can prevent Justin Bieber or similar pieces of shit to pollute our beloved sport.
Click and sign here.
"Crack in the Egg"
GWAR promises special effects "almost as good" as the ones in the video above.