Corporate Concert Stranglehold

Whether it's American Airlines Arena or the BankAtlantic Center, it seems America's sports teams are more than willing to pimp their reputation out to anybody for a buck these days, and now our country's rock stars are lining up to show they're just as big of whores as the sports teams are. It all started when Vans began sponsoring the Warped Tour in 1995, but now every company in America with a little gall thinks it can sponsor its own concert series. Here in South Florida, we've got the Warped Tour on July 12 and the Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival on July 30, while over the past six months, we've already dealt with the Jägermeister Music Tour, Hot Topic Presents "Summer Slaughter Tour," and, yes, even the Honda Civic Tour. Enough already! But all of this corporate prostitution of artistic promiscuity got us thinking about what other sponsors and tours we wouldn't want to buy tickets to, which is how we wound up with this list...

Trojan Condoms Presents "No Regrets Tour"

Double bill: Britney and Jamie Lynn. "We're cranking 'em out as fast as we can."

Tampax's "Fear the Uterus" Tour

Back in 1996, an all-estrogen tour sounded ludicrous, but Sarah McLachlan dreamed big, and the audiences came in even bigger numbers. If she resurrected the tour today, you can be sure it would bear the stamp of corporate sponsorship.

Depends Diapers' "We're Not Dead Yet Tour"

Are you a group of classic rockers from the '60s who have somehow avoided death from drugs, alcohol, or sex? Are you eager to get on the road and make back some of the money you lost to bad investments? Well, it's time to think sponsorship. That is, unless you want to be playing cruise ships for the rest your lives.

The Honda Odyssey Minivan Tour

Honda Civic has a tour this summer. Why not a Honda Odyssey Minivan Tour for rock moms on the go? We've got our money on Ani DiFranco or Melissa Etheridge headlining.

Wal-Mart's "Country Music for the Undereducated, Xenophobic, Low-Expectation-Having Percentage of the U.S. Population Tour"

Country music used to matter. But thanks to the unholy quest of so-called artists like Toby Keith, Big & Rich, and Kenny Chesney to win over the superstore chain's customers, the genre has nose-dived from borderline respectability in the '90s to outright absurdity in the new millennium. Further corporate exploitation only seems justified, as does letting Larry the Cable Guy warm up the crowd before each show.

Victoria's Secret Super-Sexy Tour

Actually, we'd buy tickets to this. Doesn't really matter who's performing.

Glock Presents the "Rappers Can Sell Out Stadiums Too, Muthafuckas" Tour

Bulletproof jackets and street reputations might help rappers sell albums, but they don't always sell concert tickets. That's probably because suburban white mothers are scared to drop off little Timmy and Mitzi at a ghetto fest. Why not allay their fears by scoring sponsorship from a company like Glock that lets fans know how real you are but also lets Mom and the NRA know how safe their kids will be at your well-armed concerts?

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Cole Haddon