Cradle of Filth This Friday at Revolution; Five Places Their Music Should Never Be Played

Every time I hear about Cradle of Filth, I think of my friend, Electric Bunnies guitarist Eldys. One day, his father came into his room while he was blasting Cradle of Filth to let him know that "This music is very pretty." It was probably the most shocking reaction to heavy music by any parent, ever.

That's especially because Cradle of Filth does not make pretty music. This is a band completely dedicated to evil and metal.  

That's actual metal, not like Korn or Limp Bizkit, but Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, and their contemporaries, Deicide and Slayer. It dabbles in Satanic, occult, and anti-Christian ideologies, as any metal band worth its weight in upside-down gold crucifixes should. In fact, its notorious "Jesus Is a Cunt" T-shirt pretty much illustrates the dark spirit of the band.

Cradle of Filth brings its thunderous, extreme sound to Revolution this Friday -- which is totally an appropriate place for the band to play. But there are other places where the band's music would be decidedly inappropriate. Here are five:

1. Your Boss' Mom's Funeral

It may cost you your job. No matter how much you love the Filth, please remember that it is an acquired taste that many people can't stomach. Please watch this clip from the BBC's IT Crowd for further illustration.

2. Your Bar Mitzvah or Confirmation

OK, you're a man now; it's official. But you are going to get a bunch of crappy gifts if you look this way. There is the very metal side effect of isolating you from your loved ones.

3. Driving Someone Home From a First Date

As nuanced and enchanting as COF's music is, your date might not want to date you again. Unless, of course, you have already established your mutual love for Great Britain's bestselling metal band since Judas Priest.

4. Hold Muzak

"Your call is very important to us; please remain on the line and the next available representative will be with you shortly... 'Nights came tralling ghost concertos/Heartstrings a score of skeletal reaper bows/Playing torture chamber music allegretto/Conducting over throes trashed to crescendo/Skinless the dark shall scream/Hoarse her symphonies....

5. Dance Night at Century Village

Unless this guy is there:

Cradle of Filth at Revolution, Friday, March 11.

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