The next day, a big black box was delivered to my doorstep. Lifting the box, I could smell the coffee before I even opened it. I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning. Inside the box were nearly three pounds of whole-bean David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee for me to "review." I immediately began grinding the beans, drinking cup after cup and writing profusely. But there was a problem along the way: This David Lynch Signature Cup coffee was turning me into a self-indulgent megalomaniac.
"David Lynch will find my writing so brilliant," I thought while brewing another pot around 3 in the morning, "that his next project will be a network television reality show called... HANDELSMAN!"
This was certainly the conjecture from that part of my mind where the delusions of grandeur live. The high-octane David Lynch caffeine surged through my veins as I typed away on the keyboard and the sun rose. I forgot to mention that by this time, I had listened to my interview with David Lynch at least 100 times.
But I digress. While writing the first few drafts and drinking quarts of his coffee, I became more psychotic. The "coffee review" was becoming a nonsensical screenplay for the Handelsman reality show featuring Jim Carrey and Lil Wayne. I had no choice but to call up my business coach, New York City media-mogul Norm Bronstein (real name withheld for legal purposes). I needed his guidance.
"David Lynch will never release another film again," he said, "There is a law in Hollywood called the 'three strikes, you're out' law. David Lynch has struck out. His last movie, Inland Empire, was a complete failure. He is finished making weird movies about his weird hair." Norm laughed at his own joke and continued: "He is now a full-time devotee of Transcendental Meditation, which is a cult. And from what you're telling me about his coffee, he sounds like a modern-day Juan Valdez!" Norm laughed hysterically, and I became even more befuddled.
My David Lynch coffee review was rejected by every publication I sent it to. So I did what any self-respecting contemporary writer would do: I put it up on my own website! I had to forward a link to one of David Lynch's assistants.
"Sounds like you and David had a good talk," he replied after reading the piece. "People often try to project David's style when working with him or writing about him, but it rarely hits the mark."
David Lynch: Hello?
New Times: Thank you so much. I fixed my phone. We have everything in order now.
That is great.
Thank you so much. My David Lynch Coffee is still in transit. As I anticipate its arrival, how would you prepare me for that first cup of David Lynch Signature Cup Organic Coffee? Is there something exceptional about your coffee that expands the imagination?
Well, you know, coffee has been used to give people pleasure and kind of, you know, electrify them a little bit. I always say there is an idea in every bag of David Lynch Signature Cup Coffee. The main thing about coffee is the flavor. And this David Lynch Signature Cup Coffee is great. It has beautiful flavor and... I drink it all day long. I drink espresso, but it comes in house blend and decaf house blend. So, I don't know what you drink.