Eight Things We'll Miss Most About True Blood

The other day, I watched the second to last episode of True Blood in my living room, and I cried. I pressed pause, I made lunch, and then I cried again.

I know. It's totally embarrassing. Shameful. And I can blame my funky hormones or total exhaustion, but the truth is, I've gotten pretty attached to the residents of Bon Temps. And now that we're only one episode away from "true love" or "true death," I'm felling some real separation anxiety.

The show is absolutely absurd, and that's just part of why I love it. I even adore the corniness of the fairy nightclub that looks like it was designed by Lisa Frank on a limited budget and how uncomfortable that makes me feel. I adore the way Talbot Angelis adds such flair to Russell Edgington's luxurious home (pouring Bill a glass, he says, "Chilled carbonated blood. It's cruelty free, all willingly donated! Note the citrusy finish. This one ate only tangerines for weeks."). Almost every little thing that looks or sounds dorky has a dimension of staight-faced satire to it. But it's never mean-spirited and it's usually sexy.

There have been certain things that didn't stick for me, like I hated Bill as Lilith. Maybe that's because I'm TV in love with Bill Compton and couldn't stand the thought of losing him or maybe it's because it was just dumb. And Maryann actually made orgies boring. But the things that make this vampiric, fantastical, sexy HBO series so engrossing aren't just the campy jokes and insane plot lines, but the way it handles two things: 1. relationships and 2. hot bods. And how those hot bods relate to each other, of course.

Though many onetime fangbangers have fallen out of infatuation with the program, I really suggest they watch this season. These past 9 shows have been handled with intelligence and care, and I'm so damned glad Hoyt came back I could pee-pee. My tissues are ready for this Sunday.

I thought we might take a trot down memory lane and explore a few things we'll likely all miss about True Blood.

8. The Clicking of Vampire Teeth

I'm fascinated by the way each vamp's teeth look a little different from each other, and yet they all make that same funny clicking sound. I'll long for the whistling noise that comes when we're transported back into sort of not that interesting vampire memories of centuries past. The way Eric just zips up into the sky with a swoosh. The squishy sound Sookie makes when she falls into the gook that is Bill-Lilith's remains.

7. The I'm Already Over You Attitude

I love how no one waits around to get over anyone they were in total, slit-your-writsts love with like ten minutes before.

I would say this "keep on keepin' on" vibe is exemplified by Sam waiting like a full day to get Nicole knocked up and falling head over heels with her after Luna croaked. I wish I could get over people that quickly. I'd have so much more time to like floss my teeth, moisturize, wash my dishes.

Also, please note Nicole stating the obvious in the video up there.

6. The True Romance

Romance on television is kind of nonexistent. And when you see anything romantic, it's like a little who cares. But True Blood manages to make me, and my crusty old heart yearn for true romance.

I would say that the main relationships that make my skin tingle are, of course, Bill and Sookie, because how adorable are they, Hoyt and Jessica, and Lafayette and Jesus. The other stuff is sexy, but these are three couplings that you can just feel in your soul. Like I never feel sparks when Pam and Tara smooch. It's always kind of like dry crackers.

Obviously, Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin ended up married in real life, so their chemistry is an actual thing. Lafayette and Jesus' first kiss is OMG wonderful. Jesus even made the line "I'm getting hard just looking at you" romantic. It's too bad he had to die at the hands of his lover. I'm still not over it.

But watching Hoyt and Jessica fall in love the first time is emotional. Their wide-eyed beginnings make me want to love again. Watching them reunite fills me with a satisfaction akin to that which Ginger experiences riding Eric Northman.

5. The "Politics"

True Blood touches on the issues of racism, segregation, AIDS, religion, and the corruption of pharmaceutical companies. They even call out Ted Cruz by having Eric and Pam dress up to seek out Sarah Newlin's p.o.s. parents at one of his fundraisers. Who can forget these lines exchanged by Sarah Newlin's vamp sis and Eric?

Amber: "You'll never get in. You're vampires. Security's going to be tight, and they only invited assholes."

Eric: "We can be assholes."

Also, Pam calling herself a "Republicunt" is pretty dang fang-tastic.

4. Perfect, Damp, Heaving Chests

I started watching for the bodies, and then I kept watching for well, Jason Stackhouse's body in particular.

A dumb hottie is an obvious draw, but Ryan Kwanten really breathes beautiful life into his chiseled character's gorgeous chest. The charm! The abs! The makeout scene with Eric! Lord have mercy! That is good television.

Alexander Skarsgard and Joe Manganiello are two of the handsomest, most well built men ever spawned from lady loins. And it's not just the men, Sookie's perky peckers are great and Jessica's magnificent bod rivals only her perfect red locks and big blue eyes. These people are not human, and that's awesome. Cause humans look like us. These people look divine.

3. Girl Power

Many shows on TV (and we won't name names) don't let Girls really enjoy having sex. I don't know about you guys, but I'm under the experience that women generally love humping as much as men do. And True Blood understands that.

And it's not just the vampires or fairies that like a good bang, it's all the ladies and all the mens. And the ladies with ladies and men with men. It's like post-college living for real but with supernatural beasts added to make it less like your boring life and more like something someone else might actually give a shit about.

Also, Arlene may have started out a redneck involved with a serial killer, but she ended up one bad bitch. She's all girl power at this point. She's survived the worst and she doesn't even have the superpowers Sookie does. I think of her as a role model for young women. It ain't easy being a female, but just gotta keep getting over your dead partners and find a hotter vampire around the next corner.

2. Glimpses into the Afterlife

No one knows what happens after you die, and in Bon Temps, no one knows what the hell is happening while they're alive or even undead.

Sookie's faerie grandfather comes and goes, traveling through time, sort of without explanation. But Terry, who I adore, comes back as a vision to Arlene this season in episode 4 and tells her, "be happy." (Best line of this show in particular? Bill telling Eric, "See, I'm not an asshole anymore.") And since no one knows anything anyway, why not experiment with the afterlife. I love that attitude.

1. Lafayette

"Ring, ring, hooka."

There's never been a character created for television that rivals the beautiful Lafayette. It's like no one gets us like he does. He's a truly playful linguist with eyelashes to die for. And there's nothing we'll miss more than this. R.I.P. True Blood.

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