It's December, and we're still shvitzing in South Florida. Though Winter seems to have gotten lost on its way to this peninsula, the holidays have booked their flights, packed their bathing suits, and are coming to stress you the hell out. Everyone needs a break from their kinfolk during these mostly hateful, sort of loving, lots of drinking times.
It's a good thing then that this year, there are plenty of rocking and sexy ways to celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas, and just plain old horniness. What follows are the five finest holiday blowouts Broward and Palm Beach counties have to offer in 2013.
1. XXXmas Lingerie Party
With Hard Richards, Speaking Volumes, Scar Of The Tropics, and Makeway.
8 p.m., Saturday, December 21, Propaganda, 6 South J Street, Lake Worth.
Entrance is $7. Show is 18 and older.
Call 561-547-7273, or visit facebook.com/PropagandaLakeWorth.
For eight long years, Eurotique has presented this annual holiday party for the horniest Christmas lovers. Girls who want to be objectified in their most lewd, bell-adorned ensembles get in free, and the first 30 of them get a toy from Santa at midnight. Maybe a Rudolph the red-nosed vibrator? Not funny, we know.
Gals have to do their darndest to look hot as an elf, or snow bunny, or just in holiday lingerie (guess there's a market for that?). How about a sensual Abominable Snowman for those who like a challenge? The lineup is stacked, like the guests, and happy hour from 8 to 10 will get you very toasty without a fire.
2. Secret Santa Show and Ugly Holiday Sweater Contest
With Atlantic, Minowi, Jeremy Hass, Lautlos, and many more.
5:30 p.m., at Sunday, December 22, at The Talent Farm, 20911 Johnson St., #111, Pembroke Pines.
Tickets cost $5 if you bring a gift, $10 otherwise.
Call 954-438-3488, or visit thetalentfarm.com.
There is no modern Christmas without an ugly sweater party, people. This is the enduring holiday tradition of our age. Instead of sending your teacher-mom's apple-shaped Christmas tree jumper to Kenya, you can just wear it ironically and possibly win a contest by looking less than cute. This weekend, The Talent Farm is hosting both a Secret Santa and Ugly Sweater Contest with a lengthy lineup of acts. Bring a gift worth less than $10, and wear your grandmama's clothes, cause there's going to be cookies around midnight.
3. The 27th Annual Matzoball
9 p.m., Tuesday, December 24, at Pangaea-Gryphon Nightclub, One Seminole Way, Hollywood.
Tickets cost $30.
Call 954-581-5454, or visit matzoball.org.
9 p.m., Tuesday, December 24, at Il Bacio, 29 SE Second Ave., Delray Beach.
Tickets cost $30.
Call 561-865-7785, or visit matzoball.org.
Finally found someone on JDate who's agreed to chill with ya? Don't know how to actually get them to meet up? Skip the corny Chinese food on Christmas Eve bit, and go dance.
This year's 27th Annual Matzoball is taking place at two local spots, Pangea-Gryphon in Hollywood and Il Bacio in Delray. Even if your new internet pal is a snooze, chances are, you'll snag another hot young thang at this dance party of whom bubbie will approve.
4. Cowboys' Christmas Night Party
6 p.m., Wednesday, December 25, at Cowboys, 1805 S. University Drive, Davie.
No cover before 11 p.m., $20 premium open bar from 8 to 11 p.m.
Call 954-476-0063, or visit cowboys-saloon.com.
For those a little more country than Kibbutz (or those who went on Kibbutz but also have a burning, achy breaky heart), Cowboys is holding a Christmas after-party of sorts. After you've pounded the crap out of Jack Daniels' at home, you can stumble over to do a not so straight line dance at this Davie hotspot. Who knows, maybe Ke$ha and Pitbull'll be back revisiting the site of their "Timber" video?
8 p.m. to 3 a.m., parties from December 19 to 25, at Trapeze, 5213 N State Road 7, Fort Lauderdale.
Prices vary, but Couples are $40 to $70, single ladies are $15, and single men are $45 to $75.
Call 954-730-8121, or visit trapezeclub.com.
Trapeze proves there is no better way to alleviate your holiday grief than by boning. Almost all week, this swingers spot is hosting nights with awesome names. Feel Us Navidad Latin Night on December 19 promises some caliente moves to the salsa of DJ Al. On Friday the 20th, there's Yahoo's Naughty List, Kasidie's Sexy Snowbunnies party is on Saturday, Swingle All the Way is on Sunday, and finally, Kinky Khristmas goes down on the day itself. With Trapeze, you will be granted a horny holiday.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.