To hell with all those Irish jokes. We know that on Saint Patrick's Day you're just an alcoholic looking for an excuse to worship at the altar of your god Jameson. And Jameson is not a kind deity. He's more like that stepdad who hates you, but takes you out for ice cream before strapping your body with meat and sending you out into a particularly crocodile-infested area of the Everglades.
Green beer is ridiculously fun and Irish car bombs are, oh, so tasty. Pair those indulgences with your lack of self-control, and things will get sloppy on this greenest of holidays. So give in, and accept your fate this April 17. You'll probably end up stealing a leprechaun's virginity instead of its gold. So embrace the drunken perversion with these five most wild St. Paddy's Fort Lauderdale parties.
5. Exit 66 Shake Your Shamrocks Party
1 to 7:30 p.m., Sunday, March 17, at Exit 66, 219 S. Ft. Lauderdale Beach Blvd., Fort Lauderdale, on Almond Ave. between Las Olas and Banyon Street. No cover charge. Call 954-830-1245, or email [email protected].
Slither in your skimpiest shamrock bikini, Celtics cap, and green beads. Cause with your vibrating behind, you're going to steal a leprechaun's lump of gold, his booty, if you will. The Shake Your Shamrocks dance contest at Exit 66 presents your butt its moment to find the riches end of the rainbow.
The extravaganza is sponsored by Heineken, Guinness, and Florida Gold Exchange. So the winner of the dance contest will receive one thousand dollars in cold hard gold. First, second, and third place also get chucks of money too, but none you can wear without looking like a stripper. Bull-riding, spray-on tattoos by Utatz, and music by DJ Eran Hersh round out the madness for those with not a lot of junk in the trunk.
4. Annual Soulicide St. Patrick's Day Party at Cagney's House of Rock
9 p.m., Saturday, March 16, at Cagney's House of Rock, 5983 S. University Dr., Davie. No cover charge. Call 954-689-0035, or visit cagneysaloon.com.
Jump on your hog and put on your snazziest "If you can read this, the bitch fell off" tee -- the one with a leprechaun thrusting its pelvis -- and ride over to Davie. Soulicide is bringing a little sonic darkness, with G'N'R covers, and light, with bright lasers, to this very green annual party at Cagney's House of Rock. Green jello shots made with melon (not lime) and drink specials on car bombs will have you munching at the either cheap or free Irish buffet, which presumably serves Guinness with a side of cabbage.
3. St. Patrick's Day Weekend Celebration at Murphy's Law
11 a.m., March 15 to 17, at Murphy's Law, 5703 Seminole Way, Seminole Hard Rock, Hollywood. Call 954-791-4782, or visit themurphyslaw.com.
Pacing yourself is the only way to make it though the St. Paddy's Day weekend. And when Murphy's Law says they're throwing a three-day fest for the holiday, starting at 11 a.m. and ending at dawn, you know you gotta space out those Harps and whiskey shots. These people are going all out Irish on ya. There's a U2 tribute band called U2 by UV, step dancing by the Drake School of Irish Dance, bagpipers, Irish DJ Malone, and live tunes by Blue Audio, and the Swingin' Richards. And as you take your time boozing, absorb that green beer with corned beef and cabbage. That part of you that isn't 1/16 Irish will be happy you did.
2. St. Paddy's Weekend at J.G. McGuinness
8 p.m., March 15; 3 p.m., March 16; and 8 a.m., March 17. J.G. McGuinness, 1744 Main Street, Weston. Call 954-349-2100, or visit jgmcguinness.com.
In honor of St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland, we shall drink heavily all weekend. At Weston Irish bar J.G. McGuinness, there will be quite a soundtrack to your boozing. Friday night, there'll be bagpipers, members of Police Pipe and Drum Corp, and Sekond Nature. Saturday, starting in the afternoon, expect Goodfellas and Zero Point Zero. And totally insanely, at 8 a.m. on Sunday, the big day, the drinking of pints and munching of pancakes begins with bands Hogans Heroes and Thought Money performing.
1. Pub Crawl
Registration begins on Saturday, March 16, from noon to 11 p.m. at
Red Dog Cantina, 3134 N.E. 9 Street, Fort Lauderdale.
Tickets cost $5 for each day and $10 for a two-day all access pass. Call 212-724-3900, or visit pubcrawls.com.
In case one bar just ain't enough for you on St. Paddy's Day, there is a huge pub crawl taking place in Fort Lauderdale. The starting point is, oddly enough, a Mexican joint: Red Dog Cantina. Then you're going to head out to Briny Irish Pub, Capone's, Tap & Cork, and other more Irish-y watering holes. This is all part of a 49-city event organized by pubcrawls.com. Drink specials that include one buck domestic drafts and three buck well drinks'll keep you connecting in spirit to those other boozers out there around the country, also wearing big dumb green hats.