Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is an instantly recognizable train wreck, heralding the coming end of year festivities. As usual, we do not like to single out religious celebrations in lieu of having to list them all and possibly offend those we might accidentally leave out, so we'll err on the side of Seinfeld and assume Festivus really is for all of us.
Regardless of which, the parade proper is fun for the family and features iconic and beloved characters in a helium-inflated format, because nothing says "good time" like balloons and floats filled with artists lip-synching their amazing hits!
This year's Parade features artists we dig like Flo Rida and Chris Isaak (who are certainly great pals in real life) as well as Jimmy Fallon and the Roots (we had no idea he pulled a Diana Ross on them cats), the Wanted, Karmin, Neon Trees, and Carly Rae Jepsen, among many others.
We, of course, would prefer to see a heavier Floridian representation within the proceedings, and thus offer the following stand-in choices.
5. Otto Von Schirach - "When Dinosaurs Rule the Earth"
Otto's one of our more intricately bizarre neighbors and his family-friendly fare would sit great on an elaborate float with his merry pranksters in full gear and giant dinosaur balloons colliding with those Sandy-compromised buildings. Pan con lechon for everybody!
4. Pool Party - "Pool Party Party"
We apologize for the video's quality but Hell, Pool Party is best taken "live." Their late summer attitudes and BBQ-flavored antics would be a great match for the New York crowd's oversized winter clothing because we know, that deep down inside, they really want to shed that shit and jump in the pool!
3. Morbid Angel - "The Blessed are the Sick"
We honestly do not believe in any way, shape or form that Tampa's Morbid Angel is a good "fit" for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade or for anything related to the Macy's corporation period, but if they had the "brilliant" idea of using Donald "This Really is a Dead Animal on my Fucking Head" Trump, then they should float these long running heshers some bucks.
2. The Chonga Girls - "Chongalicious"
It is high time that the world accepts these girls for the cultural icons they truly are. We refuse to believe that this nugget of Hialeahness has faded into the digital oblivion of flash in the pan acts. No! We demand an over-sized float that looks like a raft with two runways filled with the thickest mamis that good Macy's money can buy! Or would El Dorado have to pony up for their fee? Who cares, plump turkeys remind us of panty lines.
1. Cavity - "Sweat and Swagger"
I've been awfully quiet about my Cavity obsession as of late, but Lord have mercy, if these guys finally stop eating shit with their "reunion" plans and give me a massive fucking coronary by doing the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Literally, I would turn the TV on and be all like, shit, did I leave the stereo on? What the hey? Holy shit!!! It's Cavity on TV (clutching chest), THIS IS IT ELIZABETH!!! I'M COMING HOME!
C'mon Mr. Gorostiaga, I know you are reading this!