Unless you've been living beneath a rock, you're undoubtedly familiar with the recent and sudden disappearance of former Real Housewives of D.C. star Michaele Salahi, who recently ditched her husband to cozy up with Journey guitarist Neal Schon. If you're not in the loop, the couple broke their silence in this interview on Monday. County Grind was on-hand for Journey's West Palm Beach performance this past weekend, and while we did not spot news media's current golden goose doing her "stage potato" routine, we couldn't help but think: "Why Neal Schon?"
Yes, it is true that Journey might well be your mother's favorite band,
and Salahi might well be your mother's age, however we here at New Times
feel that someone accustomed to the excitement of rendering presidential
secret service details pointless could maybe find a slightly more
exciting individual than Neal Schon to get all adultery with... perhaps
another aging rock guitarist?
While good ol' Neal is both an unparalleled technician on his instrument and responsible for some massively catchy work, the fact remains that he's the leader of arguably the least dangerous band in the world. During Sunday's performance, we couldn't spot Michaele, but Journey lead singer Arnel Pineda's wife and young son were at side stage reminding us that Journey shows now draw more families than groupies.
With that in mind -- and since attempts to nail down Steven Tyler were apparently short-lived -- we've have decided to take a note from Michaele's Bravo Network cohort Patti Stanger and play millionaire matchmaker for one of the nuttiest bitches in all of reality television.
Here we have a list of five additional rock 'n' roll candidates we deem a bit more worthy of such a high caliber display of home-wrecking/media blitzing.
5. Dokken's George Lynch
These days the heavy metal guitarist nicknamed "Mr. Scary" looks a lot like that older dude that hangs out at upscale sports bars, or maybe the LA Fitness in Boca Raton. With a pedigree that includes several close calls with joining Ozzy Osbourne's band, and reports that he developed the two-hand tapping guitar work before another tabloid fixture in Eddie Van Halan, Lynch is ready for the cameras. Both muscular in the physical sense and also in terms of his axe work, he is also the kind of pretty boy we'd expect someone like Mrs. Salahi to publicly dissolve a marriage for. Flashy, but not too flashy.
4. Yngwie Malmsteen
On the extreme end of the flashy spectrum we find Yngwie J. Malmsteen. Quite possibly the fastest guitar player in the world, a Ferrari aficionado, Rolex connoiseur and blouse enthusiast, Yngwie is also the most perfect live action cartoon the rock world has ever had. A match made in heaven, Yngwie and Michaele both have names with really awkward vowel usage and well-documented histories of financial distress hidden beneath a blanket of flamboyant spending and posturing.
2. Sir Paul McCartney
Is Michaele interested in cleaning up her reputation for telling lies, perhaps she could find a way to earn some public opinion points via osmosis. What if she could find someone who was already invited to those upper-tier social events she has had to sneak into in the past. It would have to be someone so universally loved that his aura of positive vibes could envelop Mrs. Salahi's insanity and spit out a proper socialite, like the real kind, not the TV kind. Who better than Sir Paul? No one, that's who.
1. Zombie Jimi Hendrix
On the other hand, this is a woman who simply feeds off of controversy and we here and New Times would rather see her doing what she does best: acting unpredictably nutty and driving her husband to stage wild burial rituals with the family dog.
Thusly, our final recommended suitor is a man who had so much energy and talent while alive that his reanimated corpse is certain to posses more than the living, breathing Neal Schon currently does. Since Schon had just married another woman a couple months ago, he might be ready to hop along to another conquest before too long. As of yet, there's no reason to believe Michaele doesn't dig the rock 'n' roll necrophilia thing.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.