Music News

Five Places Hipster Parents Shouldn't Bring Their Babies

As you can tell from your Facebook feeds, many members of the hipster generation are now reproducing. But these new parents are not allowing the complication of having children slow down their action-packed, self-involved lifestyles.

Any sporting event or all-ages concert you now attend, you're certain to see a number of rugrats drinking milk while watching LeBron James or Justin Timberlake live. But as much as we enjoy treating young ones like accessories for selfies, babies, unlike ironic sunglasses, come equipped with emotions and vocal cords that allow them to express unhappiness. Here are guidelines, learned the hard way, of five places hipster parents should not take their babies.

5. Non-Animated Movies

I'm all for taking the wee ones to an outdoor screening like the drive-in at the Swap Shop or the open-air screenings against the New World wall in Miami Beach, but if you're too cheap to get a babysitter to check out the new Wes Anderson flick or a Fast and Furious movie, shame on you. By the same token, if you're a grown adult who goes to see Frozen or The Lego Movie, don't whine to the theater manager about kids being too loud during the movie.


4. Dinner at Restaurants With Indoor Seating

It's getting late, your kid's cranky; why are you going to waste $15 for an entrée plus tax and tip when you're not going to enjoy your meal, your kid's not going to enjoy their meal, and the couple sitting next to you who met on are certainly not going to enjoy their meal?

3. Airplanes

I get it. You want to take advantage of going on a trip before your baby is old enough for you to have to buy them a separate ticket. But don't take it out on the rest of us. Nothing makes the inconvenience of air travel worse than crying and screaming. Not to mention those flying constricted spaces are incubators for the most heinous germs.


2. Burlesque Shows

Obviously babies without superior fake IDs can't get into strip clubs, but babies can be dragged along to burlesque shows, which not only could serve to make the woman onstage come out of character but also will prevent the creepy gentlemen in attendance from reaching their desired state of arousal.

1. Comedy Shows

Most standup comics worth their salt can handle hecklers, but criers, that's a different story. Forget about bringing the baby to an improv show where they ask for suggestions from the audience. "Dada," "mama," and "gaga" are the three toughest words to riff off of.

New Party Rules for Millennials

10 Best Hipster Bars in Broward and Palm Beach Counties

Top 20 Sexiest R&B Songs from the '90s to Today

Ten Best Florida Metal Bands of All Time

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
David Rolland is a freelance writer for New Times Broward-Palm Beach and Miami New Times. His novel, The End of the Century, published by Jitney Books, is available at many fine booksellers.
Contact: David Rolland