Five Predictions for the Kiss St. Patrick's Day Show at Hard Rock

Kiss us, we're Irish. St. Patrick's Day's creepy little green guy will be overshadowed by larger, possibly more satanic, man-monsters this year when Kiss brings its "Hottest Show on Earth Tour" to the Seminole Hard Rock on March 17 -- one of only two scheduled North American appearances for 2011 so far. This comes as great news for those of us who feel that the old beer-jig-puke routine is getting old and that the reign of the leprechaun has gone on for long enough. 

Kiss -- which currently features Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, and two other dudes painted like Ace Frehley and Peter Criss -- is currently working on a new album, which means we may be treated to a few new songs. Of course, we're thinking that the songs will not be the big news at this show, which is obviously an attempt by Kiss to overthrow the leprechaun. Here are a few predictions for the upcoming green-versus-black battle of St. Patrick.

Kiss of Death Beats Luck of the Irish.

Though the question of how to best kill a leprechaun is hotly debated, we're pretty sure that death by tongue and flames will be Kiss' approach. Simmons and company are no dummies, so they are no doubt anticipating an ambush at the Hard Rock from the little green buggers in an attempt to defend their sacred holiday from the invading Kiss Army. As evil and sneaky as the leprechauns are, we're putting our money on the giant tongue and pyrotechnic attack of the invaders. Simmons is gonna lick 'em up like green beer from a pub gutter.

Simmons will get sick from the lepre-germs and the money we put on his tongue.

But the show will go on, because he's a professional, damn it. Germs are no match for the demon/entrepreneur/reality-TV star that is Gene Simmons.

Lots of Kiss fans will have green Kiss face paint.

There will be plenty who will attempt to downplay the obvious invasive nature of this show by pretending it's just the Kiss version of a St. Patty's Day parade. These folks will be the first out the door when the Lucky Charms start flying, and their backs will be stained with green blood to match their silly faces.

New gold-coin-compatible slot machines in the casino.

After the show/massacre, the members of the Kiss Army will have more loot than they will know what to do with, and they'll be passing right by the casino on the way to their cars. We're sure the masterminds at the Seminole Hard Rock have thought of this and will make necessary adjustments to ensure that the gold that originated at the end of the rainbow will wind up in their machines.

Kiss limerick souvenirs.

Over the years, Kiss has consistently rolled out new, mostly absurd, merch, which gets gobbled up by the suckers... I mean Kiss Army. After this epic event, there will definitely be St. Patty's themed memorabilia. We think a T-shirt with the following limerick would be popular among fans and would be salt in the wounds of the defeated leprechauns.

Kiss wipes their ass with your clovers
Your jig happy party is over
We came on your day
And blew you away
And none of us left the place sober

KISS. 8 p.m. Thursday, March 17, at Hard Rock Live, 5747 Seminole Way, Hollywood. Tickets cost $75 to $165. Click here.

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Travis Newbill