Five SoFla Occurrences for Justin Bieber's Memoirs | County Grind | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida


Five SoFla Occurrences for Justin Bieber's Memoirs

Justin Bieber, your tweenaged sister's tweetheart, has recently released news that has sent shockwaves through Bieber World: He will be releasing a book of memoirs this coming October and a 3-D biopic (Bieber-pic?) next February. OMG! We here at County Grind are really looking forward to this, but we do think it's a shame that his forthcoming adventures in South Florida on Thursday at the BankAtlantic Center won't be included in this edition. While we wait for Bieber Memoirs 2.0, here's some stuff that could happen over the course of his visit that will undoubtedly be worthy of inclusion in the sequel.

1. Bringing His Talents to South Beach

Post-show, after being escorted through the cavernous secret hallways of the BankAtlantic Center to his dressing room, he'll open the door to his solitary retreat and enter the dimly lit room, alone. After closing the door, he'll be startled when he turns around to find Pat Riley, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh sitting around a table holding low-ball glasses and cigars. They'll ask him to take the empty seat, pour him a drink, and welcome him, "the missing piece of the puzzle," to the family, whether he likes it or not. 

2. Putting the "F" in FCAT

Before he is allowed to leave stage, he will have to pass the FCAT. Worst encore ever.

3. Groupies with Walkers

Not only will Bieber have to fend off his typical tweenie devotees while in SoFla but he will be faced with the additional challenge of dealing with hordes of smitten snowbirds who adore him simply for being a cute Canadian. The amount of cheek kisses granted to the SoFla granny brigade will produce such rage and jealousy in the hearts of the tweensters that a riot will break out and Bieber will have to escape via D. Wade's powerboat while an army of police shield themselves from an unprecedented assault of Zanybands and shrill screams. 

4. Mother Nature Has a Crush

By virtue of his magic tweenie powers of attraction, Bieber's presence will pull Tropical Storm Colin (who, as it turns out, is a big fan) from deep in the Atlantic onto shore, becoming a major hurricane along the way. The BankAtlantic Center will mark the dead center of the eye of the storm, and all who are inside will be forced to remain there for days. Bieber will be forced (by Pat Riley et al.) to perform for the duration of the crisis to avoid a Super Dome-esque catastrophe. After running out of songs and burning through his memoirs twice, he'll begin reciting tweets and practicing free throws as 15,000 tweenie mouths glisten with lust. 

5. Hip-hop Porn
In the wake of his recent collaborations with Ludacris and Usher and being nominated for a BET Award, Bieber is approached by our very own hip-hop legend, Blowfly. Their single, "My World (Is a Big Snatch)" bypasses iTunes and YouTube and becomes available on vinyl only in porn stores and indie record shops. Ultimately, it adds to both of the artists' "cred."

Justin Bieber, 7 p.m. Thursday, August 5, at BankAtlantic Center, 1 Panther Parkway, Sunrise. Tickets cost $33.25 to $53.25. Click here.
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Travis Newbill

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