Five Songs to Ruin Your Thanksgiving Dinner

Sitting down to your Thanksgiving dinner is relaxing climax of several days of intense effort. You've prepared the turkey, stirred the gravy, stuffed in the stuffing, and now you are enjoying the sweet taste of dead meat on your tongue. Many families enjoy listening to soft tunes while swooning over stuffing and sweet potatoes, perhaps some tribal flutes or Enya. Whatever the songs are, they're bound to be relaxing.

So what would happen if someone were to sneak some death metal into the mix? Nothing good, that's for certain. Mom might pee her pants and Grandma could flat line.

But messing with your family is half (ok, most) of the fun of family functions. Take our music selection into consideration and if Dad freaks out just blame County Grind.

5. The Song to Give Your Grandma a Heart Attack

Back in 2009 the Telegraph reported that doctors had warned Ryan Spearman, 24-year-old bass player for the band Gnar Dogs, to avoid metal music after suffering three cardiac arrests in one day. The doctors claimed that "loud, amplified music, energetic moshing and heavy riffing" could cause another potentially lethal attack.

If a 24-year-old could suffer from the screeching and screaming of metal music then Grandma's heart definitely couldn't hold up under the power of Death - literally.

4. The Song to Make Your Father Spit Fire

There's nothing a father loves more than sitting across the table from his angelic child, having a good conversation and suddenly hearing graphic lyrics about dirty sex blasting from the speaker.

"Face down ass up" is a line that he's only ever used with your mother. Smile pretty at him because this might be the last time he loves you.

3. The Song to Make Your Girlfriend Break Up With You

You and your girlfriend have been going strong, at least strong enough to warrant an invite to Thanksgiving dinner. Little does she know you've been hiding a secret and his name is Sven.

There's no better way to drop the "Hey, I'm gay" bomb that with a subtle ode to homosexual eskimos.

2. The Song To Make Your Mother Cry

This song certainly won't piss your mom off. But it will remind you of the time before her fights with your father. It'll remind her of a time when she was happy and worthy, a time before she was considering divorce just like every other American couple.

Be careful before you play it because you might shed a tear too.

1. The Song To Make Your Dog Howl

Thank you Rachel Maddow for this particularly... journalistic endeavour. She must have had a slow night in her quest to take down Governor Rick Scott but either way she finally found a way to make dogs howl at more than just her voice.

Follow County Grind on Facebook and Twitter: @CountyGrind. Follow Devin Desjarlais on Twitter: @ddesjarl.

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Devin Desjarlais