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Five Things Sexier Than Miley Cyrus at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards

It's almost noon. So by now, you've at least seen a clip of Miley Cyrus' 2013 MTV Video Music Awards performance. And you're still cringing. We can actually feel the heat the whole world is generating in the collective horrified blush that this set into motion, right here from our computer. Watching a former child star awkwardly flail around, then placing one of those finger things you get at a football game between her long skinny legs and humping the air is, in one word, traumatizing.

The weirdest thing isn't Miley sticking her tongue out sideways and fake-licking her braid as she saunters down a ladder, wide-eyed and crazy, wearing a Jeremy Scott-like cartoon-cat leotard. It's that it doesn't seem like Miley's even on drugs!

She pranced around like a drunk mom at a bar mitzvah during "We Can't Stop," then did her pretend twerk (That isn't how you twerk, Miley! Google it! UGH!) on Robin Thicke's unwanting genitals during "Blurred Lines." During "Give It 2 U," we felt such shame for 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar that it's hard for us to continue to write.

But alas, we shall! Hannah Montana's vulgar and goofy performance was the least sexy thing thine eyes have seen, and just to prove a point, here are five not-hot things that are sexier than Miley's romp around MTV's stage.

5. A boob job

Not just the results of a boob job -- high and hard -- the actual sight of surgical implanting of prosthetic breasts. Yes, a gruesome scene from Nip/Tuck is more hubba-hubba than this.

4. Giant teddy bears strapped to sweaty backs

Her backup dancers out-sexied Miley with probably 20-pounds of plush weighing down their spines. You go, girls.

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Liz has her master’s degree in religion from Florida State University. She has since written for publications and outlets such as Miami New Times, Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, Ocean Drive, the Huffington Post, NBC Miami, Time Out Miami, Insomniac, the Daily Dot, and the Atlantic. Liz spent three years as New Times Broward-Palm Beach’s music editor, was the weekend news editor at Inverse, and is currently the managing editor at Tom Tom Magazine.
Contact: Liz Tracy

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