Keep New Times Free

Five Things Sexier Than Miley Cyrus at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards

It's almost noon. So by now, you've at least seen a clip of Miley Cyrus' 2013 MTV Video Music Awards performance. And you're still cringing. We can actually feel the heat the whole world is generating in the collective horrified blush that this set into motion, right here from our computer. Watching a former child star awkwardly flail around, then placing one of those finger things you get at a football game between her long skinny legs and humping the air is, in one word, traumatizing.

The weirdest thing isn't Miley sticking her tongue out sideways and fake-licking her braid as she saunters down a ladder, wide-eyed and crazy, wearing a Jeremy Scott-like cartoon-cat leotard. It's that it doesn't seem like Miley's even on drugs!

She pranced around like a drunk mom at a bar mitzvah during "We Can't Stop," then did her pretend twerk (That isn't how you twerk, Miley! Google it! UGH!) on Robin Thicke's unwanting genitals during "Blurred Lines." During "Give It 2 U," we felt such shame for 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar that it's hard for us to continue to write.

But alas, we shall! Hannah Montana's vulgar and goofy performance was the least sexy thing thine eyes have seen, and just to prove a point, here are five not-hot things that are sexier than Miley's romp around MTV's stage.

5. A boob job

Not just the results of a boob job -- high and hard -- the actual sight of surgical implanting of prosthetic breasts. Yes, a gruesome scene from Nip/Tuck is more hubba-hubba than this.

4. Giant teddy bears strapped to sweaty backs

Her backup dancers out-sexied Miley with probably 20-pounds of plush weighing down their spines. You go, girls.

3. Loogies

Yes, that is how much of a turnoff the performance is.

2. Robin Thicke

This is a sexy man, but he's also Growing Pains' pop Alan Thicke's son. Even with that knowledge and seeing him in a Beetlejuice suit, he's still making us hornier than Miley.

1. Taylor Swift's reaction to the performance

Now, Taylor Swift is beautiful, but sexy, she is not. Have you ever seen her attempt to "dance" onstage? She always appears like Bambi taking his first steps, on the constant verge of collapsing. But even her bitchy face battitude reaction to Miley could give Kanye a boner quicker than Miley on all fours with her butt in the air.

I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of South Florida and help keep the future of New Times free.

Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.