Talking Shit

Handicapping American Idol's Season 10 Judges

Season 10 of American Idol premieres January 19 on Fox and with it come changes to the show, the most blaring of which is the exit of judges Simon Cowell, Ellen DeGeneres and Kara DioGuardi and the entrance of pop celebrities Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. The only returning judge will be Randy Jackson, along with teeny tiny host Ryan Seacrest. (Just please tell me how he hooks up with all those Hollywood hotties.)

For those of you under a rock for the past nine years, American Idol started as an old fashioned talent competition with three judges -- recording insider Simon Cowell, ex-Laker girl and pop star Paula Abdul and music producer Randy Jackson. The dynamic between incoherent sweet girl Abdul and caustic Cowell led to stardom for the judges as well as the contestants, with Randy Jackson mostly coming along for the ride. In season eight, a fourth judge, songwriter Kara DioGuardi joined American Idol. Paula Abdul left before season nine and was replaced by comedianne Ellen DeGeneres. Season ten finds only Randy Jackson remaining of the original crew.

American Idol's format of auditioning young hopefuls from around the country to compete for the chance of a recording contract and stardom will mainly remain the same. The main difference is, of course the judges and what dynamic it will create. Here's a handicap of the three judges, in order of predicted American Idol success:

Jennifer Lopez

J. Lo's career spans everything commercial -- pop music, rom-com movies, mall fashion, but she's probably best known for her gigantic ass and her piss-poor choice of men (see P. Diddy Dirty Money Sean John Puffy Combs and Bennifer). Lopez is also known for her diva-like behavior and all-around bitchiness so it's going to be interesting to see how she acts when she's sequestered in Hall C of some crappy Convention Center during audition week without her rider of 1,000 white doves and Diet Snapple served in Baccarat crystal).

Overall odds of AI success - 1:1 (J.Lo will be good at finding commercially viable contestants, and just might be the one to fill Simon's diva-shoes. Plus she'll look hotter than Simon in a tight white t-shirt.)

Steven Tyler

The sexy-ugly front man of Aerosmith, Steven Tyler is a hard rocking musician who absolutely knows his way around the industry. He manages to reinvent both himself and Aerosmith about every decade and he has more hits than stints in rehab, ranging from the classic rock ballad "Dream On" to a collaboration with Run DMC on "Walk This Way". Steven certainly has the chops, but the demographic of American Idol may skew so young that they only know Tyler as the guy from the Disney Rock'n'Roller Coaster.

Overall odds of AI success - 4:1 (I think Tyler can mentor the contestants to success, but may have a little too much ADD to concentrate on the show for long stretches.)

Randy Jackson

What can I saw about Randy, dawg? Though you wouldn't know it by the asinine comments Randy makes on American Idol, Jackson has had a music career spanning three decades and has played with Earth, Wind & Fire, Carlos Santana, Jerry Garcia, Bruce Springsteen, Blue Oyster Cult and dozens of others. Though Randy usually takes the backseat to the other judges, this year might be his breakout year as the only American Idol veteran. Probably not, though, dawg.

Overall odds of AI success - 100:1 (Just not feelin' it, dawg. Personally I think they should have kept Kara DioGuardi and booted Mr. Jackson).

American Idol has created a lot of pop stars (Daughtry, Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Adam Lambert) and it's formula is so popular that even if it takes a ratings hit with this new season it will still land on top of the heap. And who knows? Maybe J.Lo and Steven Tyler will hook up. I'd totally tune in each week to see that hot new celebrity couple -- Jyler!

Follow County Grind on Facebook and Twitter: @CountyGrind.
KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Laine Doss is the food and spirits editor for Miami New Times, covering the restaurant and bar scene in South Florida. She has been featured on Cooking Channel’s Eat Street and Food Network’s Great Food Truck Race. Doss won an Alternative Weekly award for her feature on what it’s like to wait tables. In a previous life, she appeared off-Broadway and shook many a cocktail as a bartender at venues in South Florida and New York City. When she’s not writing, you can find Doss running some marathon then celebrating at the nearest watering hole.
Contact: Laine Doss