Judging by the sound of his music and onstage track record, Jesus Lizard frontman David Yow isn't the type of dude who wants a birthday party for his birthday. The man loves to spit beer at his fans and berate them while his band plays music inspired by root canals.
The man is turning 51, for Christ's sake -- his friends and family probably want to celebrate him in reptile style. We think we may have some gifts in mind that this slimy, sweaty man is sure to love. Granted, all of these are based solely on his gut-wrenching music, nauseating music videos, and hearsay.
1700s Dental Tool Set
They look painful, rusty, and dull. They are perfect for scaling teeth down, shaving off enamel, and causing infection and injury. They retail at about $200, and we know he's really gonna love this gift. Have you seen the video for "Destroy Before Reading"? We have, and watching it is probably just as painful as getting worked on by these blunt babies.
Otto Von Schirach's Pukology Double Seven-Inch
As the writer of "Seasick," "Puss," and "Churl," Yow would probably really get a kick out of our good friend Otto's record, made entirely of vomit, puke, and barf samples.
A Life Vest
The man who infamously stole the show from Urge Overkill by accidentally jumping off of a boat could totally use one of these. Next time he falls into the Hudson, he can enjoy swimming in the sludge without worrying if he may accidentally drown to death. It'll make sewage surfing the leisure activity it was meant to be.
The Birthday Party Performing His Birthday Party (or A Time Machine)
He would probably would like it if Nick Cave's 1981 noise-rockers the Birthday Party could play some jarring tunes for him on his special little day. Since that's impossible, we'll start working on a time machine; hopefully, we'll come back in time sometime soon.
A Few More Maine Coon Cats
His Wikipedia says he loves Maine Coon cats. Let's get him a few more of these Bobcat-sized beauties, and we'll see how much beer he spits at us in response. Our guess: none. That's how much.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.