How to Have Weird Valentine's Day with Blowfly (Hint: Involves Victoria's Secret)

​The Sun Sentinal reported this morning on an epic local underwear heist that occurred over the weekend in which close to $700 worth of delicates were lifted from Victoria's Secret in Boca Raton. 

This criminal panty raid comes just about a month after $3,300 worth of bras were stolen from the same store. According to the report, in both cases, it was a pair of women who did the skivvy snatching, but it remains unclear as to whether or not the two instances are related.

It being Valentine's Day, the high holy day for lingerie, it is awful to consider the loss that the fancy panties headquarters incurred as the result of these snatchings. Now, Valentine's Day is also the high holy day for single people to be bored and restless, and, most importantly, the birthday of legendary sex-crazed Miami rapper Blowfly. 

So, with all of this in mind, County Grind would like to offer a suggestion for making the most of this Valentine's Day, in very weird fashion.

First, in order to help Victoria's Secret recover from the theft, round up as much underwear as you can, head to the mall, and offer it to the store.

If they accept your offering, you can spend the rest of the day in the mall talking with people, using the story of the underwear to illustrate the true meaning of love.

If they refuse the underwear for some reason, take it down to Miami and offer it to Blowfly as a birthday gift.

Some may think that Blowfly is sure to accept this gift, as not doing so may damage his reputation as the dirtiest old, sex crazed man in music. However, this is not the case. The main thing that makes Blowfly dirty is that he does whatever he wants. He is dirtier than you might imagine... Or not. So, the best way to approach Blowfly is with lots of used underwear and no expectations or fear. 

No matter what your preconceptions, things will probably not go as you might imagine.

In fact, he will probably just act like a cute old man. County Grind attempted to reach Blowfly himself for a comment regarding how he may respond to someone approaching him with a thousand pairs of used underwear as a birthday gift. Unfortunately, he could not be reached, but not because he is busy sniffing the underwear he was already given today.

Blowfly's manager, and former New Times writer, Tom Bowker, said that the birthday boy is busy talking on the phone to celebrities and his fingernails are too long to respond to his texts. So he offered this response on Blowfly's behalf:

"It depends on how big their ass was, but his first response would be 'EWWWWWWWWW! That's disgusting!' 'Stage Blowfly' would 'LOVE THAT,' and 'off stage Blowfly' would think it's funny but be grossed out."

Do you have anything better to do on Valentine's Day than cause a ruckus at a fancy underwear store and gross out the dirtiest rapper in the game? No. So, get to work.

New Times on Facebook | County Grind on Facebook | Twitter | e-mail us |
KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Travis Newbill