Music News

Jingle Ball 2013 and Five New, Ratchet Holiday Traditions

Have you been naughty or nice this year?

And no, Miley, no one is asking you. Because it doesn't take Santa's omniscience to know you've been a very bad girl. This year, we've seen your flat booty more times than we've seen our mother's face. So you're getting a sexy stocking full of black coal. Of course, you must have some kind of machine that turns coal into diamonds. That's what the whole bad-bitch shtick is about, right? Getting money?

Now, just in time for the holidays, Ms. Cyrus is comin' to dance for that cash as headliner of this year's Jingle Ball pop spectacular. And judging from the tour's kickoff in New York, we think this will be one unholy night.

Miley might twerk on Santa. That's exactly what she did in New York, anyway. To open her set, America's favorite Disney girl gone bad "shocked" the crowd by taking the stage with her butt cheeks flyin' free in a devilish Santa-inspired string bikini. And she didn't waste no time neither, and got backin' that ass up all over the jolly ol' soul. Childhood memories were tainted forever when Saint Nick's round belly shook like a bowlful of jelly. Shame is for the weak. Ho, ho, ho.

Miley might hump Robin Thicke. Remember when Miley and Mr. Thicke got themselves trending on Twitter by having dry sex at the MTV Video Music Awards? Well, we're expecting to relive that lovely memory when the pair shares the Jingle Ball stage on the blessed evening of December 20. Maybe they'll get toasty on jacked-up eggnog. And maybe they'll let the crowd in on a little mistletoe moment. Nah, who are we kidding? It'll be more about the camel toe than anything else.

Miley might smoke Xmas trees. Yes, Hannah Montana was a girl of many secrets. But Miley Cyrus doesn't keep anything from the public. Did you hear about how she stormed the stage to accept an MTV European Music Award? She just lit up a fat joint in front of everyone. That's dank. And she's always burning through the green with her new rapper buddies Wiz Khalifa, Juicy J, and Mike Will Made It. We're hoping she sparks up a few tannenbaums, and we definitely hope she's thoughtful enough to share. Gotta make it through this not-so-silent night somehow, right?

Miley might grope an elf. Again, this ridiculousness isn't just some flight of Yuletide fancy. It actually happened. For the Jingle Ball tour, Miley is employing at least one small person to prance onstage in an elf costume, complete with Madonna-esque cone boobs, which we're sure is a hella fulfilling acting job. If the elf is sweet enough, Miley might give those tatas a squeeze like she did during the New York show. But we have to wonder: Do you think Miley pays the elves extra for letting her touch their naughty bits? Let's hope so.

Miley might whip out her penis. Look, nothing is too crazy for this ratchet-ass trick. Clearly, Miley has a big pair of balls, but did you know she's got a drawn-on schlong to go with 'em? Seriously, she took it out and started playing with it for a special Love Magazine holiday promo. We're not really sure what this has to do with the story of Jesus' birth or awesome holiday fun times, but it is kind of rad to watch her stick her tongue out and wave her Sharpie-scrawled peen at an arena full of impressionable tweens. Oh, Miley, what will you do next?

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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.