John Waters' Five Best Musical Tales From His Fort Lauderdale Version of This Filthy World

Full John Waters Slideshow From Parker Playhouse Performance

When living in New York briefly in 2006, unsurprisingly, something very "New York" happened to me. I somehow received an email from a friend's friend inviting me to attend the taping of John Waters' This Filthy World. Though they locked us in a theater and told us we couldn't leave till it was over, I, a serious claustrophobe, sucked it up. It was truly a wet, trashy, comedic dream come true. 

I was raised on Waters movies. Two years ago, when the filmmaker and author came to the Miami Book Fair International, my blog at the time, the Heat Lightning, hosted a John Waters week in which we told Watersian tales. People sketched images of the man himself; Lolo, the owner of Sweat Records, shared her embroidered bookmark with a Waters quote on it; and my mother wrote about her second date with my father. It was to see Pink Flamingos.

John Waters is a fucking American hero, and if you don't think so, you can go comment on my Jon Bon Jovi review. Waters performed a very updated version of This Filthy World at Parker Playhouse in Fort Lauderdale on Saturday after the audience got warmed up on Polyester. Considering this is a music blog, I compiled a list of stories the King of Trash told at the affair between deliciously terrible jokes about abortion and dick magnets (I think I alone laughed at those). Get ready for some Bieber 'stache and beatin' Ike Turner.

5. Bieber Fever
Waters and Bieber both appeared on The Graham Norton Show on the same day. The filmmaker is a fan of the young starlet, uh, I mean, singer, and said he even wears Justin's perfume! The Biebs looked at Waters and said, "Your 'stache is the jam." Waters, who always carries around an eyeliner pencil, gave him a Waters 'stache of his own.

4. A Whole Lana Love
Waters threatened to sing the entire of Lana Del Rey's album while making eye contact with every member in the audience. This would encourage us to go home and watch Tyler Perry movies, "in slow motion, and experiment with auto-erotic asphyxiation."

3. Breaking News
When talking about the tacky headlines of the New York Post, his favorite was about the famous Turner couple: "Ike Turner Beats Tina to Death!"

2. Well, Isn't That Precious?
Waters wants to make a remake of Precious in which the Jean Hill of Desperate Living, Polyester, and A Dirty Shame fame plays the main character. She makes up with Monique, marries Justin Timberlake (whose name is Pinkie), and they have a kid who grows up to be a rapper named Lil' Pinkie.

1. Final Questioning
At the end of the affair, there was a Q&A session. A man asked John Waters what his best thrift-store find was. He told him it was a jacket he found with a snarling Doberman on it that he's wearing on the cover of A Date With John Waters. Go purchase it, as it is one of the best compilations of all time.

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