Music News

Justin Bieber Retires: Five Things We See Him Doing Next

No doubt, the recent Twitter announcement by Justin Bieber that he's retiring is a total Cher move. On Christmas Eve, probably in a drunken eggnog haze, he tweeted: "My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring." This was even after he had already announced this "big" news earlier in the month on L.A.'s Power 106. Then he kinda went even more nuts, saying that "being a Bielieber is a lifestyle" and "I'm never leaving you." Finally, abandoning the apostrophe for "IM HERE FOREVER." Justin, sorry to break it to ya, even you will one day be dust.

But the kid's like 19. So, we have to ask: What will the Biebs do next?

See also: Justin Bieber at Miami Heat Game: Inside His Head (and Leather Bodysuit)

1. He'll helm his own fan club

He did say he's never leaving his Bieliebers. He can be rich till he dies if he finds some way to maintain his risen star at least for a few more years. Maybe he can score some dough wiping up the tears of his sad fans or something.

2. GQ's hair trends consultant

No teenaged boy will ever go back to a skater cut again, unless the Biebs deems it so.

3. Cocaine

Now, we love the Biebs. We do. But he's been sparking up very frequently recently, and with all that dough and nothing to do, what comes next? Cocaine!

4. Become the King of Lesbians

You all remember Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. And no offense to lesbians, but maybe he can be like the "patriarch" of the gay girls. He's nonthreatening, looks like a lady, and does he date girls? He can sit at Melissa Etheridge's feet.

5. Looking Confused

What the hell does a pop superstar do once the lights go low? Finally scratch his ass? Pick his tickling nose? Look confused. That's our best guess.

New Party Rules for Millennials

10 Best Hipster Bars in Broward and Palm Beach Counties

Top 20 Sexiest R&B Songs from the '90s to Today

Top Five Things That Make New Kids on the Block's Donnie Wahlberg a Hipster

Ten Best Florida Metal Bands of All Time

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Liz has her master’s degree in religion from Florida State University. She has since written for publications and outlets such as Miami New Times, Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, Ocean Drive, the Huffington Post, NBC Miami, Time Out Miami, Insomniac, the Daily Dot, and the Atlantic. Liz spent three years as New Times Broward-Palm Beach’s music editor, was the weekend news editor at Inverse, and is currently the managing editor at Tom Tom Magazine.
Contact: Liz Tracy