No doubt, the recent Twitter announcement by Justin Bieber that he's retiring is a total Cher move. On Christmas Eve, probably in a drunken eggnog haze, he tweeted: "My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring." This was even after he had already announced this "big" news earlier in the month on L.A.'s Power 106. Then he kinda went even more nuts, saying that "being a Bielieber is a lifestyle" and "I'm never leaving you." Finally, abandoning the apostrophe for "IM HERE FOREVER." Justin, sorry to break it to ya, even you will one day be dust.
But the kid's like 19. So, we have to ask: What will the Biebs do next?
1. He'll helm his own fan club
He did say he's never leaving his Bieliebers. He can be rich till he dies if he finds some way to maintain his risen star at least for a few more years. Maybe he can score some dough wiping up the tears of his sad fans or something.
2. GQ's hair trends consultant
No teenaged boy will ever go back to a skater cut again, unless the Biebs deems it so.
Now, we love the Biebs. We do. But he's been sparking up very frequently recently, and with all that dough and nothing to do, what comes next? Cocaine!
4. Become the King of Lesbians
You all remember Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. And no offense to lesbians, but maybe he can be like the "patriarch" of the gay girls. He's nonthreatening, looks like a lady, and does he date girls? He can sit at Melissa Etheridge's feet.
5. Looking Confused
What the hell does a pop superstar do once the lights go low? Finally scratch his ass? Pick his tickling nose? Look confused. That's our best guess.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.