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Kim Deal Quits the Pixies and Other Meaningless Reports

Music writers all over the world were awakened today by this press release put out by the seminal alternative rock ban, the Pixies.

"We are sad to say that Kim Deal has decided to leave the Pixies. We are very proud to have worked with her on and off over the last 25 years. Despite her decision to move on, we will always consider her a member of the Pixies, and her place will always be here for her. We wish her all the best.

Black Francis, Joey Santiago and David Lovering"

Kim Deal leaving the Pixies would be newsworthy if this was 1991 when the Pixies last put out an album of new material. Or maybe even in 2010, when they last did a reunion tour playing their glorious old music. Kim Deal is currently touring with the Breeders (a tour that comes to Miami's Grand Central in October). So, the only surprising item in the press release was that on June 13, 2013, there were people who thought the Pixies hadn't broken up.

In the spirit of that announcement, here are some other press releases we might expect in upcoming days.

From the Desk of Ringo Starr:

"I am saddened to say it is time I leave the Beatles. I have been waiting on Abbey Road for close to four decades to record the Red album, and no one has shown up. It is time for me to move on. I wish Paul and George all the best. John, you can go to hell, since you haven't returned any of my calls since 1980."

From the Office of Sarah Palin:

"Alrighty, it pains me to do this, but right is right. I can now concede the race for Vice-President of the United States of America. I guess Joe Biden and that Obama got more votes than me and McCain. But I won Alaska. So shouldn't that make me VP of Alaska for the last five years? Fine, I'll concede that too."

From Warner Brothers:

"Those of you waiting for Casablanca 2: A Beautiful Friendship can stop holding your breath. Humphrey Bogart's representative said Bogie is out and will not reprise his role as Rick. Warner Brothers has too much respect for this iconic role to cast another actor in it, so the project is dead. Unless of course Bogie will accept our next offer of $15 million with points."

From MySpace:

"Due to popular demand, MySpace has decided to end the policy that if you do not log in to your account for 3 years, that your account will expire. You now have thirty full years before we delete your account. So what are you waiting for? All your friends have been wondering why you haven't been logging on. Come on, get back, we miss you and it's lonely here."

A Fox News Special Report:

"We have just received confirmation that Santa Claus does not exist. He is a liberal conspiracy for big government to get children to do as they are told. All the Santa Clauses we have been waiting in line to see are impostors and actors. There is no list and no one is checking it twice. We are still awaiting word on who has been drinking the milk and eating the cookies we left out over the years."

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