The Kardashians are here on South Beach, getting kittens and hugging all up on each other while shooting Kourtney and Kim Take Miami. The filming allows you to be a tacky tourist in your own backyard. A spy in the house of Dash, if you will. Maybe you'll catch a glimpse of Kanye as he saunters out of Liv at 5 a.m. or spot Kim's ample bottom as it soaks up the South Florida sun rays -- all of them.
The sad thing for the K.s is that it seems they never fucking leave Miami Beach. We thought, since we in SoFla have a ton more to offer these Californians, we'd give the royal family of reality television a few tips on where off-the-playa they should visit. From Mount Trashmore to the Swap Shop, please open your mind, and read our justified suggestions.
5. Monkey Jungle
Nestled far, far south of the city, Monkey Jungle isn't just a place where people perverted for primates enjoy Sunday afternoons. It's super educational too! Mason'll go mad when he catches a glimpse of a silly orangutan pulling back his upper lip to show his fangs or a gorilla eager to throw your trash out for you (you littering sack of shit -- please see the video above). Sure the monkeys might throw poo at your head, but you know what? At least you don't have to go all the way to Costa Rica to get a true wildlife experience.
Note: Leave the new kitten home, Kim.
If you've ever been to Bimini Bay Bar, located just by Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport, you know what a unique experience this'll be for 'Ye and Kimmy. Whether you find granny porn on the tele, potty-mouthed locals, or a new bra from those hanging overhead, this is a unique place to play. Maybe the oldie porn'll even spice up Kourtney and Scott's married romantic life?
Note: Do not, we repeat, do not bring Mason or lil Penelope.
3. Swap Shop
The Swap Shop is a mega flea market perfect for the little ones. We know the Kardashians don't need a deal, but everyone wants a break on a good "used" bike. Come on now. There are tons of videogames to warp Mason's brain, fresh veggies for the cook to whip up into a gourmet meal, and even bras you can bring to Bimini Bay Bar! You know it. Where are the Kardashians? At the Swap Shop!
So, this might be a hard sell, but you learn a hell of a lot about life, love, and the universe at Mount Trashmore, located in Deerfield Beach. The Kardashians can see where their diapers and lipstick packaging go when they've completed use of them. Also, they'll feel more at home up there when they see the Rock of Ages Hollywood sign!
1. Wynwood Art Walk
While South Beach is like a souffle, Wynwood during art walk is like a flourless cake: dense with delicious things you don't need to eat every day. There are the food trucks, the good and bad art, and all of those freaking people! The Kardashians love attention, and it'd be neat to see if they blend in on Second Saturday or get swarmed like a dead big ant by little army ants. We wish them well.