Normally, we applaud diversity. We don't give half a shit about the Black Eyed Peas, but, yeah, we guess it's neat they got to play on the same lineup as David Guetta.
However, the mere suggestion of the presence of ecstatic-and-adorable twee-on-crank duo Matt and Kim on the Ultra lineup offends our most core principles as not only music critics and fans but as a human fucking beings who are just trying to live, goddamn it.
No one should be smiling that much, unless they've been railing so much ketamine that they look like a cross of Cheech, Chong, and Jack Nicholson's portrayal of Batman villain the Joker.
This pair is soft. Weak. Corny. And we have five other acts we think would be substantially better additions to the lineup.
Tupac and Biggie Holograms Make Surprise Appearance With Avicii
The best thing about holograms is that they can't make embarrassing "cool mom" jokes about club drugs because, duh, they say whatever you want them to say. Although we're pretty sure even without MDNA nimrodically namedropping MDMA, deadmau5 will nevertheless find something to hatefully Tweet about. But it definitely won't be about the lack of Matt & Kim.
Will Ferrell's Cowbell Character Hurls Pies Into the Face of a Rolling Teenager
The role that inspired Christopher Walken to proclaim "I have a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell!" may be the exact thing this fledgling festival needs. Besides, we're tired of watching Steve Aoki smash some amphetamine'd baboon in the face with birthday cake. Bring on the cowbell and the whipped cream pies!
KoЯn
Having embraced the Transformers-core undulations of brah-step, the former godfathers of nü-metal are really not all that different from, say, their fellow bass wobble womp womp gollum Skrillex. Jonathan Davis as "JDevil" would bring a particularly '90s satanist feel to the fest. Korn would definitely make more sense than a Muppet Baby indie-pop couple.
Eddie Vedder Plays the Ukelele in the Chill Out Room
When you're trying not to bite your tongue off because you're still so amped from getting caught in a nü-metal dubstep mosh, scrappy, yappy, precious pop is not what you want to cleanse your palette with. But doesn't a little ukelele, as plucked by a '90s grunge-rock icon, sound like a nice follow-up?
Beyoncé's Super Bowl Half-Time Show
Queen B is our number-one pick to usurp Matt & Kim's Ultra set. And not only because her performances are technical marvels, physical wonders, and aesthetic triumphs. We're dying to see if Mrs. Carter will perform her vocals live or phone it in with prerecorded tracks and hope all the pookieheads are geekin' too hard to tell the damned difference.
Follow @CountyGrind
