Enough with the Florida jokes, America. We get it. We come across as a little trashy on the internet.
Yeah, we give our sexual predators $3 million lottery checks and occasionally store crack pipes in our butts. And sure, we have a perpetual hankering for some home-cooked meth and Colombia's finest nose candy. But we like to think of our approach to crime as creative. And as far as the drugs, if you don't like to party, you don't have to come over.
What follows here are some of the most WTF music moments that took place in our sunny state in 2014. You might say with a shiver when reading them: "What the F, Florida?" But when we locals reminisce about our crazy times, we think, "Aw, baby. You so crazy." And then take a hearty bump and keep on dancing. Here it goes.
He's everyone's favorite yeyo slingin' and snortin' Miami rapper to gawk at. Yup, Stitches. He's a looker, but mostly because he has the craziest face tattoos in hip-hop history (Sorry, Gucci Mane. Shoulda thought bigger and more sinister.).
Though that ink and the viral video for "Brick in Yo Face" alone would land him on our list, one particular incident that took place in Lake Worth this year placed him in annals of WTF Florida music history forever.
It was a regular September night at Propaganda with live bands, dancing, and drinking. Bags of fake blow were floating around stage without incident during Stitches' set. But when the 19-year-old internet sensation whipped out actual cocaine and offered it to some gals in the crowd, that's when shit got cray.
Stitches' wife and the mother of his children (yes, he's a dad), the one time contestant on MTV's Paris Hilton's My New BFF Erica Duarte got so pissed, she left the club in a huff with her boo trailing behind. Those who paid for a meet-and-greet with the rapper then followed him out in an angry mob.
Best part? It was all documented on camera -- watch that video up there to truly understand what our scene is all about.
Poor Scott Stapp. The former (or maybe current) Creed frontman is living in his own prison, and that prison is his mind.
The guy has been holed up in a Boca Holiday Inn for weeks. First, the news hit the web that his wife filed for divorce and custody of their kids after he sent her some of the craziest text messages ever written in the history of writing. He accused her of stealing his money. She went back to court to have him committed.
Since then, Stapp's been making some seriously compelling-for-all-the-wrong-reasons videos. The climax of this meltdown likely came when last week he was spotted riding the streets on a bike shirtless. His mission? He says the CIA trained him to kill the president. He also says he's got the documentation to prove it.
Though Stapp has totally lost his marbles many times before -- like when tried to kill himself by jumping out of a Miami Beach hotel window or losing a sex tape he did with Kid Rock -- this was Scott's year to bottom out. And he did it right here at home.
As much as Trick loves the kids, we love Trick. Don't even get us started on the classics he laid down around the millennium. Do you not remember "Nann Nigga" with Trina or "In Da Wind" with CeeLo? If not, get educated right here.
Since his heyday though, Trick's life has sort of gone down hill. He's had many run-ins with the law, and it was kinda lame stuff like pulling a gun on a kid during a pickup basketball game and trying to beat someone on Lincoln Road. Like Lincoln Road, really? Unless it was over a parking space, we're not feeling it.
And in equally awkward fashion, he got arrested this year at his Miramar home as he tried to back out of his driveway. The cops were there on something called a "sniff warrant" -- which just sounds like an excuse for police pups to lift some of your hard earned blow, but whatever. He was charged with possession of a firearm by a felon, possession of ammunition by a felon, possession of cocaine, and driving with a suspended license.
For so long, New Found Glory was a just group of pop-punk superstars that hailed from Coral Springs. Then this year, we heard guitarist and lyricist Steve Klein was kicked out of the band. We thought "WTF?!" We even wrote an article proclaiming pop-punk was now dead.
But then we heard why Klein was removed from his NFG throne. He was arraigned in a San Luis Obispo, California, court on multiple felony charges of lewd conduct with a minor. That's when we were like: That's what the "F."
Though he claims he's not guilty, even the allegations reek of ick. The rest of the non-pervs in the band are still touring though, so no need to burn your precious memorabilia.
It was just last January that a glazed eyed Justin Bieber smiled beautifully for his very own South Beach mugshot after being caught drag racing a yellow Lambo down the very residential Pine Tree Drive.
The young man looks so pleased in the full face photo and then so sad in the profile picture. And this is how he handled the whole incident, with false swagger. Though he'd indulged, he said, in some pot smoking, pill popping and minor amount of boozing, because he was underage, dude got in trouble. He was taken in for resisting arrest without violence (i.e. saying fuck a lot to the cops), drag racing, and driving with an expired license.
The Biebs acted like a straight up dick during questioning and then all aloof in court. He even rolled up the sleeves of his prison shirt, officially making orange the new black.
This past May, DJ Laz, aka the Pimp with the Limp, aka Lazaro Mendez, accidentally killed a guy helping him out with his boat off Key Biscayne. This gruesome tale is like next level sad.
A group of people were trying to help the beloved radio personality free his vessel, which was part of a much larger party on the ocean, from a sandbar. Ernesto Hernandez got too close to the propellers, and you guessed it, that's when things got more than ugly. It was simply a tragic accident, but man, WTF?
It was technically 2013 when a chubby little dancer named TerRio broke Vine with his funny dance moves to "Oooh Kill 'Em." The Georgia native got name checked by LeBron James in a Samsung commercial and his moves were even cribbed on the field by St. Louis Rams wide receiver Tavon Austin and Ravens kicker Justin Tucker. But it was just this April when the then 6-year-old shot his official music video outside of Miami club Grand Central.
TerRio is being raised by his 25-year-old manager with a criminal record, Herbert "Dooney" Battle, right here in South Florida. Weird? Hella. Some concerns arose online about TerRio's general wellbeing and whether or not he was getting an education. Fans created hashtags #FreeTerRio and #JusticeForTerRio and even drafted a change.org petition to find out who the hell is taking care of this young internet star.
Anyway. We still don't know if TerRio knows his ABCs, but we do know little man can dance.