Smell that? No, we didn't crap our pants. It's bullshit season!
Music Television is a fiction. At one point, somewhere around 1992, it was a real thing. But now, the chief network responsible for providing us with concurrent melodic and visual entertainment has devolved into a 24/7 Jerry Springer-style faux-reality marathon. So why MTV still annually presents the sham that is the Video Music Awards completely baffles us. Shouldn't they be granting awards to, like, Pauly D's hair dresser? Or maybe to whomever has the truest life or is the youngest teen to procreate?
Either way, the network insists on hosting the VMAs. And, therefore, we insist on letting you know why it's a total fucking joke.
10. Green Day is Performing
You know you're in trouble when the edgiest act on your lineup is the Grateful Dead of tweenager pop-pseudo-punk. Additionally, Green Day has already played like a dozen or so VMAs. We would rather watch Kid Rock suck on a titty at the Republican National Convention than see Billie Joe Armstrong et al. hog the spotlight again.
9. Alicia Keys is Ripping off Erykah Badu and/or Janelle Monae
Hey, when did Alicia Keys transform from a cross between Stevie Wonder and Ashley Simpson into the poor-man's psych soul sista? Leave the mind music to the professionals, honey.
8. Kevin Hart Sucks
We like (alleged) funny man Kevin Hart much more when he's making it rain on seismically quaking booties at King of Diamonds, than when he's cracking subpar Billy Crystal non-jokes on irrelevant boob tubery like Good Afternoon America. MTV was on to some good shit when they decided to go host-less at last year's VMAs. And we're not sure why they decided to regress.
7. Los Angeles Sucks Too
This is pretty self-explanatory. Imagine a place as superficial, vapid, and classist as Miami. And then add earthquakes.
6. Phony Baloney Feuding
Does anybody really give half of a flying fuck about One Direction, The Wanted or their phony baloney hipster-norm neo-boy band feuding? We didn't think so.
5. Carly Rae Jepsen Isn't Performing
What if Madonna had never rolled around all slutty in a wedding gown during "Like A Virgin?" Or if Britney Spears never got the opportunity to drape an exotic snake around her neck like she was some kind of Amazonian tart? The VMAs have long been a platform for emerging pop stars to inspire a lil' extra TiVo-ing due to nearly-exposed breasticles. Someone please tell us why the face of the second greatest -- the first being Rihanna's "We Found Love" -- pop song of the 2000s is being robbed of her goddamn birthright.
4. The EDM Category Is Embarrassing
Jesus H. Christ, pop culture. You've already reduced punk rock, heavy metal, and hip-hop into completely laughable cotton candy shells of their former selves. These categories have more to do with Tweets and ringtones than style, message, innovation, or, like, music. Why you gotta go fuck up raving too? Are you seriously going to make us listen to "Le7els" again?
3. Best Video With a Message: WTF?!?
As far as we can tell, none of these videos contain a message beyond "Reblog this shit and drink Coca Cola!!!!!!!!!"
2. Lil' Wayne's Grade-A Weenie Music
Wait a minute... How is "How To Love" possibly even still in the running? Didn't we fart all over that the last time we wrote this list?
1. Who Invited Chris Brown?
Hey, fuck Chris Brown forever and ever for beating up Rihanna and getting away with it.