8. Kevin Hart Sucks
We like (alleged) funny man Kevin Hart much more when he's making it rain on seismically quaking booties at King of Diamonds, than when he's cracking subpar Billy Crystal non-jokes on irrelevant boob tubery like Good Afternoon America. MTV was on to some good shit when they decided to go host-less at last year's VMAs. And we're not sure why they decided to regress.
7. Los Angeles Sucks Too
This is pretty self-explanatory. Imagine a place as superficial, vapid, and classist as Miami. And then add earthquakes.
6. Phony Baloney Feuding
Does anybody really give half of a flying fuck about One Direction, The Wanted or their phony baloney hipster-norm neo-boy band feuding? We didn't think so.
5. Carly Rae Jepsen Isn't Performing
What if Madonna had never rolled around all slutty in a wedding gown during "Like A Virgin?" Or if Britney Spears never got the opportunity to drape an exotic snake around her neck like she was some kind of Amazonian tart? The VMAs have long been a platform for emerging pop stars to inspire a lil' extra TiVo-ing due to nearly-exposed breasticles. Someone please tell us why the face of the second greatest -- the first being Rihanna's "We Found Love" -- pop song of the 2000s is being robbed of her goddamn birthright.