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No, You Shut Up!

Do columnists lie? With most, it's hard to tell and certainly difficult to prove. But I'm willing to bet the Miami Herald's television critic, Glenn Garvin, snuck in a doozy last month. Though most readers can appreciate how generally misguided Garvin's column resonates regarding TV -- or at least his inferiority to the Sentinel's Tom Jicha -- Garvin outdid himself with his March 30 installment titled "When Hollywood Entertains a Political Opinion -- Run."

In case you missed that one, he lambastes Barbra Streisand, Janeane Garofalo, Ben Affleck, Madonna, Cher, Robert Altman, Richard Gere, and even Michael Moore for having the audacity to play political spokespeople. "I beseech you, one and all," Garvin wrote, "just shut up."

Maybe interviewers asked the above individuals for an opinion regarding the Iraq war. That certainly wasn't the case with Garvin, and -- who knows? -- maybe that's what rankled him so. It shouldn't go unnoticed that for Garvin to bitch about know-nothing pseudocelebrities expressing political views while he stoops to the same level is rather hypocritical. Putting forth James Woods' name as one of the few voices of reason in the sea of Hollywood dumbasses does little to increase Garvin's fair-and-balanced quotient. He goes on to charge Tinseltown with "monolithically left-wing" crimes like "cuddling up to dictators" and catering to "dramatic effect" and "fashion." Who knows? Maybe he's right.

Yet Garvin goes completely past the edge of sanity when he talks about Friends bombshell Jennifer Aniston. "If there's a comic actress on television the equal of Jennifer Aniston," he cheers, "I'm Saddam Hussein's uncle!" Whatever -- DNA tests will tell the truth about that claim -- but Garvin's nose is longer than a trans-Atlantic cable when he swears, "If I could ever get just one moment alone with Jennifer, I would lean over and whisper in her ear: Shut up. Don't say another word about George Bush. Just shut up."

Right. If ol' Garvy ever found himself anywhere near Aniston's perfect li'l baby-soft ear, he'd be too busy hiding the stirring in his trousers to beat around any bush, even George. What a douchebag -- and transparently partisan douchebag at that. Stick to rooting for Boomtown, Glenn, and leave the commentary to those better able to hide their bias -- or those whose foreign-policy biases actually interest us.

Mathematics is never a strong shade among Bandwidth's meager palette of skills. But some very simple subtraction reveals that this year's SunFest, taking place this weekend in West Palm Beach, is provably the saddest and suckiest to date. All that's required is removing one (1) name -- Bob Dylan -- from the lineup of, uh, "stars." Our 3-D blackboard then shows the sum left over: Sheryl Crow, the Beach Boys, John Mayer, Nick Carter, Shaggy, and Unkle Kracker. Think they'll make up for the rest of the hot, crowded, increasingly irrelevant event? Well, yeah. With Nick Carter on there, it should be enough -- just enough -- for the city.

Last week, Will Trev, guitarist with local wunderkinds the Holy Terrors, sent out a mass e-mail to area music types:

"Greetings friends and acquaintances,

"It is with regret that I must relay some unfortunate news. Our very close, dear friend and my fellow Holy Terrors guitarist, Dan Hosker, has suffered a serious accident while on the job. Apparently, he has seriously damaged and lost a significant amount of tissue from his left-hand middle finger to the point of having to now undergo intensive skin graft surgery.

"And as many of you already know, Dan has had steady involvement in local (and in one case, national) music for a number of years and has continued to push his musical barriers in various forms. He has been a much appreciated individual who could care less about personal success and to me, personally, he's a pleasure to work with -- a pleasure that has been in existence for over 12 years and continues.

"I've spoken to Dan since the accident. He seems stable and calm, but deep inside, I know he's troubled -- he's rightfully worried about not being able to touch a guitar again. I do know that if I were in his situation, I'd be in utmost despair.

"I believe that this situation can turn out even better than we imagine. But in the meantime, please, if you have a couple of minutes, give him a call or mail him a get-well card. Your interest would provide great support."

Contact Hosker at 1223 NE 23rd Ave, Pompano Beach, FL 33062, or holler at him by calling 954-946-6425.

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Jeff Stratton
Contact: Jeff Stratton

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