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Talking Shit

One Direction's "Story of My Life": Why This Song Sucks

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"She told me in the morning she don't feel the same about us in her bones"

This was one letter away from being a truly great line. Replace the "s" in "bones" with "r" and malibooyah: You've got something special here.

I'm saying, if a girl tells me she doesn't feel the same way about me, that's whatever. But if she tells me HER BONER'S PUSHING HER TO THIS DECISION, well, bro, I mean, you just gotta do whatever you can to win that girl back.

"It seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone"

To One Direction,

Two things:

1. Chill, bros. Nobody in your group is over 21. You know what I remember from when I was 21? Nofuckingthing, is what. I remember wearing a lot of Hollister shirts, but that's it. You're gonna do hella worse shit growing up. Trust. Even money that one of you guys is going to wake up in a hotel room with, like, three or four hookers in the next year or so. Just keep it moving.

2. They won't just put any 'ol thing on your tombstone. I once called up a tombstone place and asked if they would put "Help! Dig me up! I'm not dead!" on mine. Nope. No bueno. I then tried to go with, "Bet you didn't know you could die with a boner. *eye wink* *shoots finger gun*" on my tombstone as a replacement. Nope. Tombstone people are total drags.

"The story of my life, I give her hope. I spend her love until she's broke inside"

Bro, "spend her love until she's broke inside"? I mean, I guess I had no idea the One Direction boys were throwing that D around like that. I don't think I've even made a girl sweat during sex before. These fools are going around rupturing insides. Zayn is probably like, "You're about to go one direction, baby girl: Straight to the hospital."

"Leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage"

Are you talking about your rib cage? Because then yes, you definitely want your heart to stay there.

"Running after you is like chasing the clouds"

Easy breezy. It's a cloud, son, not a fucking cheetah. Clouds are usually just chillin'.


(I) Zayn: You're that dude. Gimme a call. Break me inside.

(II) Mumford & Sons is probably the last group you should wanna copy. They're like a bunch of homeless dudes in suspenders.

(III) I miss Patrick Swayze.

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