Contrary to popular belief, I am capable of love. Many ladies have
loved me, and I love myself as strongly as they did. I know how to show
las señoritas a lovely time. I know how to love their bodies, but I can
only say "I love you" to myself, and that makes Valentine's Day very
challenging for me.
I need outside help. So, I sat down with Debbie D., of the now-defunct
group Avenue D. We had a long talk with her about life, love, and most
importantly, what to do to make a woman feel loved on Valentine's.
José el Rey: So, should I show up to my Valentine's house with an edible gift? Like candies?
Debbie D: Show up? You should be there when she gets home with a romantic, candle-lit dinner that you spent all day making.
Oh! Really? But, that won't give me enough time to get into my fancy clothes. I need to try on a few dozen outfits that day.
Clothes? You don't need clothes on Valentine's Day. Just elephant undies.
Ok. Be naked. I got it. One time a girl got really mad at me on Valentine's for inviting her dad to eat with us. What was I supposed to do? He was hungry and her dad. She said it was the worst Valentine's Day ever.
That's pretty bad Jose! But not as bad as when my boyfriend ditched me to take ecstasy and go to a rave with the guys!
Yeah, raves are cool. With the glowing things. Sometimes I have to tell girls I cannot be their Valentine because I don't like them, but I'm bad at saying that nicely. How do I reject someone nicely?
Say, "No, thank you."
No. Thank you?
Yes. Then try to find a more appropriate date for them, like one of your single friends.
Oh, that's good. You hurt them, but then turn it into a nice thing. Another time, I had two dates in one night; it was really hard to pull off. I had to fake a family emergency mid-coitus just to make it on time to the second date. Never again!
You know you liked it. One time all three of my boyfriends came to my job at the same time to wish me a happy Valentine's Day.
Ok. You win! Three is more than two! I gotta go get my eyebrows separated. Thanks for teaching me how to be a good Valentine.
Music! Don't forget to play some romantic music.
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Like what? Snow's "Informer" and El General's "Pun Tun Tun" are pretty good for love making.
I'd make her a mixtape or CD or play list and listen to it with her. Work your way up to the sexy songs. Here's an example:
"Luckiest Guy," the Magnetic Fields
"Totally in Love," Avenue D
"You're so Fine," Egyptian Lover
"Passion," the Flirts
"Touch Me," Samantha Fox
"My Neck, My Back," Khia
Egyptian Lover will totally make the ladies make out with me!