Damn, what's that cloud of pine-scented smoke wafting through the South Florida air?
Oh, it's just the impending arrival of Rihanna. She won't be here till Saturday (AKA 4/20, the international blunt-blowin' nation's favorite holiday), when she'll take the stage at the BB&T Center in Sunrise. But we're already catching a contact high from the mere mention of Ms. Fenty's name.
The Bajan princess of dope and diamonds will surely roll it up for her performance. And in case you're planning the same, we've spent hours delving into her social media streams, interviews, and music to discern the definitive guide to smoking weed, as Rihanna would indeed divine unto her #Navi.
Rule No. 1: Roll dem all yaself. Any bad gal knows ya gotta smoke it rolled up. We've never seen an instapic of the Unapologetic 4/20 enthusiast hitting a dirty bowl. It's all tight spliffs and blunt after blunt after blunt. And we bad bitches don't need a man to roll up our sticky, neither. We can play with Mary Jane all by ourselves. We are high women; hear us roar.
Rule No. 2: Smoke all phucking day. Wake up widdit, relax widdit, cure hurt widdit, never be bored widdit, get creative widdit, and go to bed widdit. Rihanna smokes when she is lonely. She smokes when she's with the ones she loves. She smokes it in photo shoots, at music festivals, in the club, and out on the street. She even rolled some "Diamonds" up for her single cover. This chick ain't playin' around.
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Rule No. 3: Pics or it didn't happen. It doesn't matter if your eyes are glossier than your lips (oops, which ones?!) and redder than the Devil. And it don't matter one bit what anybody say. Those other heaux (pronounced hoes, duh) just jealous 'cause you've got the good stuff. It's important for RiRi to communicate how high she is to her Navi. It's in a gyal's culture. It's who she is. And she is not sorry.
Rule No. 4: Be fierce while doing it. And you know why she isn't sorry? Because she is a majah star, and she knows you can't touch her. She can't see all your hatin' nonsense through the "$ign$" — there are just too many of dem. The paparazzi will publish flicks of her doing it anyway, because they're on her like shadows. Besides, the hardest thing the War on Drugs has going for it is how hot Rihanna looks blowing O's, and we think she knows it. And most of the time, she kind of looks like she could beat you up.
Rule No. 5: Sharing is optional. Rihanna iz "Hard." And she ain't afraid to let her "Cockiness" show. So when 4/20 rolls 'round, she's just gonna take it, take it. And if RiRi really deems you to be worthy, she's happy to share. But we're all too familiar with instances of her not sharing, even if some nice man (like that guy at Coachella) lets her sit on his shoulders. Most of the time, it seems like Ms. Fenty is just sitting there, taking smokin' selfies.
Rule No. 6: Smoke only the finest. If you're putting it in your lungs, make sure it's the kind of shit that makes ya say, "Woiiii!" Otherwise, why are you phucking widdit in the first place? Whenever you see the rudest gyal puffing on one, it is the same color as her money, maybe with a little more purple. And if you come out to this chick's concert and you dare to light it up, don't come 'round offending her senses with the poor-man's shake. Not even Rihanna likes it when fools eat that Reggie Bush.