Dear Beyoncé,
I know you're busy being a multimedia superstar, but did you get a chance to check out Knocked Up when it dropped a month back? I'm sure you had things to do, like win a Grammy or deny Jay-Z is totally tapping that, but, hey, if you did see it, then maybe you remember the scene where the girl from Grey's Lobotomy and her onscreen sis were turned away from an L.A. nightclub by the doorman. "I can't let you in 'cause you're old as fuck," he explained. "For this club, you know, not for the Earth."
The thing is, I kind of feel the same way about you. It's been almost a friggin' decade since Destiny's Child released its eponymous debut, which means it's been almost a decade since you've been in my life. And you're only 25! Even though I think of your ass and not J. Lo's every time I decide to download celebrity porn (where are the accidental nipple shots, darling?), I'm really starting to resent your presence in my life. I don't think you're as irreplaceable as you think you are. You've been around so long, you're making me feel old.
I'm not saying female pop stars shouldn't stick around for the long haul. Look at Madonna, Janet Jackson, and Mariah Carey. They're all legitimately old these days, but the difference is, I don't feel old when I listen to their progressively crappy music. And that's why, despite how I can't help but stop flipping channels whenever I see that bootylicious hip-snap of yours, I feel old when I watch you on TV. I've been adoring the same you for almost a decade now, Beyoncé. Spice things up already! If you don't want to admit you're really crazy in love with Jay-Z, then break up with him already and spin it like you're just another naughty girl too young to feel so old. Better yet, outright accuse him of banging Rihanna rather than ring the alarm in your lyrics; it might not be true, but, hey, who doesn't love a woman scorned?
In other words, just once I'd like to be surprised by you (lighting fans on fire with pyrotechnics isn't surprising either, by the way; it's just cruel and unusual). Until then, I'm sorry, baby, you're going to remain "old as fuck." But, you know, not for the Earth.
Your Admirer (even if I'm snoozing) — Cole Haddon
