Music News

Science Confirms What I Already Knew: Bass Music Made Me a Boss

I'm a 26-year-old white woman who grew up in a mostly-Jewish suburb in Broward County, but the only thing I listen to, day-in and day-out, is thuggish ruggish rap music at uncomfortably loud volumes.

It's not that I relate to songs about selling dope. I think crack is wack. I don't even like songs about strippers. I'm what the less educated among us would call a "radical militant feminist."

So why am I so addicted to ignorant shit? Because those beats fuckin' slap. I need the bass more than I need anything else, and hood shit just delivers like no other genre can. My hipster friends can hate, I don't care. Science has my back.

According to the recent study titled "The Music of Power," published by Social Psychological & Personality Science, bass-heavy music imbues listeners with a non-equaled sense of confidence and control. Why am I mean muggin' behind the wheel? Because all this bass makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, and I basically am.

Experiment 1 found that music pretested to be powerful implicitly activated the construct of power in listeners. Experiments 2-4 demonstrated that power-inducing music produced three known important downstream consequences of power: abstract thinking, illusory control, and moving first. Experiments 5a and 5b held all features of music constant except for the level of bass and found that music with more bass increased participants' sense of power.

From these findings, I deduce that listening to bass-heavy music accompanied by lyrics about how you're the greatest, you're going to make the most money and fuck the most bitches will actually lead me to make boss moves toward my personal goals. All these years spent scaring my neighbors has lead me to be the powerful, confident, strong-willed woman that I am.

So haters, it turns out white girls from the suburbs actually do have something in common with face-crunching hip-hop, and it's not being able to make your ass clap. I completely relate to the struggle of pushing oneself in the face of obstacles and derision. I am a soldier on the path to greatness, and come what may, I will meet my challenges head on.

Go ahead DJ, turn that fuckin' shit up.

Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.

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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.