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Talking Shit

Six Girls I Dated, and Why We Broke Up

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Girl: Elisha

My Age: 13

Elisha was slightly droopy-faced and way too thin, but was a cheerleader, and everyone seemed to like her. She had one big mark against her though: She was white. At a school nearly exclusively Mexican, you definitely don't want to be the only white person. Elisha was clever though. She always kept a boyfriend, and eventually it was my turn. We never kissed or held hands or hugged or even really talked, but she told people that she was my girlfriend and that was good enough for me.

Why we stopped dating: Our relationship began right before summer vacation. When summer came, she moved to Kentucky. I mailed her a letter once. It was never answered. This other cheerleader (Renee) told me that she had a new boyfriend. Worse: He wasn't Mexican. Worse still: They held hands.

Girl: Angie

My Age: 14

Angie was not very tall, thin, or pretty, which worked for me because at 14, I weighed about 90 pounds and 85 of those pounds were in my head and front teeth. She invited me to the movies once, with her older sister and her boyfriend, so it was a proper double date.

They picked me up, and Angie and I were sitting in the backseat. When we arrived, the older sister's boyfriend parked the car, and then the older sister leaned in to kiss him. Angie leaned in to kiss me, too -- it was like they'd planned that shit. But I guess they hadn't planned to brush their teeth beforehand. Angie's mouth smelled exactly like the sauce that Burger King puts on Whoppers.

I pulled back and pretended I didn't know what was going on. I asked her about the Spurs game.

Why we stopped dating: She told me she'd cheated on me with a guy at the zoo. The zoo, bro.

Bonus: The guy from the zoo lived two houses up from me. The summer of ninth grade, I was outside playing basketball. She came driving up and parked at her new boyfriend's house. She walked over to his window, knocked on it, then climbed in. (His mom was there, it turns out, and they were being sneaky.) Twenty or so minutes later she climbed back out, walked to her car, then drove away. Then the guy came outside and told us that they'd just had sex. Huh.

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