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Talking Shit

Six Girls I Dated, and Why We Broke Up

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Girl: Crystal

Age: 14

Crystal and I lasted exactly one date, and I'm pretty sure that was just so she could get near my friend Miguel, who was considerably more cool, handsome, athletic, and popular than I.

Why we stopped dating: I decided we needed some space. (After two weeks of her not returning my calls.) She started dating Miguel shortly after. When he broke up with her she decided it was my fault and spent a good four or five months hating me. I told people it was because I never called her back. That's a little thing called turning lemons to lemonade.

Girl: Laura

My Age: 16

Laura was Crystal's younger sister, which I did not know beforehand. If I'd have been a man of integrity, I'd have said, "Oh. No, we can't do this, Laura," when I found out. Instead I said: "Oh. Tell Crystal I said what's up. And that you're prettier than she."

Why we stopped dating: Because she was Crystal's younger sister.

Girl: Melanie

My Age: 17

One day, I snuck out of class to go see Melanie while she ate lunch. It was going to be a very player move. But on the way, I saw this other girl I was into. So I'm walking towards Melanie and she looks right at me but then the other girl walks by and I just cruise right the fuck past poor Melanie and begin harassing the other one. It was not that great of a thing to do.

Why we stopped dating: Afterwards, when Melanie confronted me, I was like, "Man, I didn't even see you. My fault. Hey, wanna go to Taco Bell?"

Pro tip: If a girl is pissed at you, do not ask her to go to Taco Bell.

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