About two nights back in balmy Ibiza, Orlando Bloom attempted to deck pop star Justin Bieber in the face. The swing, regrettably, did not connect.
The hullabaloo started when young Bieber yelled, "Yo, Orlando Bloom, I fucked your girl" to the elfin pirate of the Caribbean outside a popular restaurant, Cipriani. Mr. Steal-Yo-Girl then proceeded to serve Bloom a double helping of harshbrowns by having his bodyguard block the blow. The Biebs then posted a photo of Bloom being a crybaby on Instagram, quickly removing it, but not before the whole internet got a screenshot. The world keeps turning.
The details aren't important. What is important is that the internet has a new hero. Great kudos are due to Mr. Bloom for his valiant effort. While wishing harm on another human being isn't exactly "in good taste," there are plenty of reasons Orlando should want to slug Justin Bieber. Being hangry in Ibiza is only one. If after reading this list, Legolas decides to ante up for round two, we promise to look the other way.