About two nights back in balmy Ibiza, Orlando Bloom attempted to deck pop star Justin Bieber in the face. The swing, regrettably, did not connect.
The hullabaloo started when young Bieber yelled, "Yo, Orlando Bloom, I fucked your girl" to the elfin pirate of the Caribbean outside a popular restaurant, Cipriani. Mr. Steal-Yo-Girl then proceeded to serve Bloom a double helping of harshbrowns by having his bodyguard block the blow. The Biebs then posted a photo of Bloom being a crybaby on Instagram, quickly removing it, but not before the whole internet got a screenshot. The world keeps turning.
The details aren't important. What is important is that the internet has a new hero. Great kudos are due to Mr. Bloom for his valiant effort. While wishing harm on another human being isn't exactly "in good taste," there are plenty of reasons Orlando should want to slug Justin Bieber. Being hangry in Ibiza is only one. If after reading this list, Legolas decides to ante up for round two, we promise to look the other way.
6. Justin somehow made his visit to the Anne Frank House about him.
In March of 2013, Bieber went to Amsterdam. After likely getting a good taste of the legal hookers and weed, he decided a visit to the Anne Frank House would be proper. Upon leaving the young diarist's former home and hideout from the Nazis, Biebs signed the guestbook with what could have been lyrics to an unfinished song: "Truly inspiring to be able to come here/Anne was a great girl."
His grand gesture ended on an optimistic, albeit narcissistic, note, "Hopefully, she would have been a Belieber," he scribbled. Maybe that's how he thinks "believer" is actually spelled? Or maybe Justin just deserves a knuckle sandwich for this one.
5. Justin peed publicly into a bucket.
Sometime in June 2013, the singer of "One Less Lonely Girl" peed in a restaurant mop bucket in front of a bunch of dudes. We stand in solidarity with the custodial staff working that night.
Next, the Biebs yelled, "Fuck Bill Clinton," even though the singer is Canadian and should keep his trap shut about Bubba. This kid knows nothing. His balls didn't drop by the time Clinton left office. In response, we believe Americans should uniformly take to calling Canadian bacon "ham."
4. He left his poor monkey in Germany.
Justin Bieber's monkey should have known he may get left behind when he heard the kid sing the ominous "Never Say Never."
In March of 2013, German customs officials seized Justin's simian companion when Bieber's entourage failed to produce the proper documentation needed to bring a capuchin monkey out of the country. Germany even gave Biebs a few weeks to reclaim his buddy, but alas, the poor thing was forgotten, not unlike The Brave Little Toaster.
3. The lyrics to "Baby"
"Baby, baby, baby oooh/Like baby, baby, baby nooo/Like baby, baby, baby oooh/I thought you'd always be mine (mine)/Baby, baby, baby oooh/Like baby, baby, baby nooo/Like baby, baby, baby oooh/I thought you'd always be mine (mine)/I'm gone (Yeah Yeah Yeah, Yeah Yeah Yeah)/Now I'm all gone (Yeah Yeah Yeah, Yeah Yeah Yeah)/Now I'm all gone (Yeah Yeah Yeah, Yeah Yeah Yeah)/Now I'm all gone (gone, gone, gone...)/I'm gone."
2. His lame mustache
1. His drag race in Miami.
Back in January, Bieber and crew decided that endangering the lives of Miami residents with their vehicular recklessness seemed like a fun activity. After acting a fool and getting underage-drunk at SET, Biebs got his expired license and yellow Lambo and proceeded to race through a residential area of Miami Beach. He got arrested and is still working on a plea.
More recently, he was denied entrance to LIV, Adore, and Story for reasons related to this event. These are places swarming with douches and Bieber's not allowed back. Think about that.