When you wake up with a hangover, every light gets a little brighter, every sound gets a little louder, and every person in your bed gets a little uglier. That's why you have to tread lightly after a night on the town. There are foods you eat and food you don't eat. There are things you drink, and things you don't drink.
And as any hungover person who has unknowingly turned on their car to a radio at full blast knows, there are songs you avoid. Go ahead and put these six on the list.
1. First Of The Year (Equinox) -- Skrillex
When you wake up after a long night of drinking, the last thing you want to hear is computers begging for their lives. I won't sit here and trash dubstep. If you like it, hey, that's great.
But please, please don't play this song within a hundred yards of anyone with a hangover. I'd rather run a marathon with sandals made of broken glass than have to listen to this song on repeat after a few too many whiskey sours.
2. Roar -- Katy Perry
Stop it, Katy! I don't want to hear you roar. I want to hear you say, "Oh my god, Ryan, you're so funny and awesome and yes I will marry you and of course you can have a yacht, and sure we can name it the Adrien Boaty."
Please write a new song that doesn't sound like Nancy Grace having a six minute orgasm. Because every time I wake up with the taste of beer in my mouth, I seem to hear this God-awful song on every single channel.
But for real, girl, if you're ever in town we should totally get a cup of coffee or something. Or, you know. Whatever.
3. Mongolian Throat Singing
This is Mongolian throat singing. These folks produce simultaneous harmonized tones from within the throat. It's both incredibly complex and part of a rich, fascinating cultural tradition.
But holy shit keep that away from me when I'm hungover.
This lawnmower orgy ain't doing much for my migraine. The only moans I need to hear are coming from my own mouth in between bites of fried chicken.
4. Fruit Salad -- The Wiggles
OH MY GOD I GET IT. It's yummy and it's got apples and melons and shit and, guess what, Wiggles? It's really fucking easy to make! I got the gist the first time!
Why are you teaching kids how to make fruit salad anyway? The making of fruit salad requires a knife! And just because you tell the kids to use a plastic knife doesn't make it any better. You realize no one owns a plastic knife, right? You weirdos need to add another verse about taking your kid to the hospital for stitches.
Just please stop singing. Stop. My head hurts.
Actually, fruit salad sounds kind of refreshing right now...
5. Acapella -- Karmin
Hearing this song when you're hungover is like listening to nails on a chalkboard. If those nails belong to your least favorite high school teacher. And the chalkboard is located in hell.
Basically, it's the worst.
It's the perfect storm of headache inducing noise. It's got a non-ironic use of the word toates, a chorus that sounds like a howler monkey receiving a prostate exam, and annoying lyrics. Tack on a white girl's best Niki Minaj impression, and, boom, you're on suicide watch.
6. "Peanut Butter Jelly Time"
Written by a dying, rabies-infected squirrel, this masterpiece of everything that is wrong with the world will always be an instant headache intensifier.
Rumor has it, the production team behind "2 Girls 1 Cup" passed on the opportunity to make a music video for this song because it wasn't artistic enough. This song combined with a hangover will turn your brain into peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time...
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