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Sober Observations of People All Drunk and Stupid at the Club

Some of the saddest and most depressing moments you'll ever have in your life will be when you're drunk or high at a club -- but you won't realize it, because you're drunk and high at a club. Naturally, a complete loss of inhibition causes you to do the dumbest shit without realizing how annoying and possibly offensive you are.

The past couple of weeks, I cut alcohol completely out of my diet. After putting on a couple of pounds this past year, I stopped boozing. This sobriety makes going out at night a chore and transforms me into a more cynical bastard (possible friend-loss involved). Nowadays, I spend time observing how annoying we all are when out in that hotbed of germs, sweat, and piss: the club. Sorta like that movie They Live in which Rowdy Roddy Piper wears a pair of shades and sees everyone as aliens, I put my sober shades on and saw all you jerks doing the following shit.

Accelerated Dancing (Bad and Good)
We're in South Florida. There's something in our DNA that gives us the ability to dance somewhat well. You could be the most uptight person, but when you mix the drank with a little bit of hometown anthems like "Nann Nigga" or "Hoochie Mama," a trigger goes off and you get grimy for the right reasons.

Sometimes, though, shitty dance genes seep through the cracks, and you get on some Carlton shit when you on the sip. Saw a dude this weekend do the rope thing with a girl, and I think the thought process going into it for these people was, "Fuck it, it's corny in a good way." And if I were drunk, I'd say the same, but sadly I wasn't.

Old Dirty Bastard's "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" becomes the best song ever
Well, it kinda is already, but drunk people tend to sing this like there's a gun to their head and life depends on how dumb they dance to it. Nothing obnoxious and douchey about this, though. Actually, this song might get you fucked up by itself.

If you're not dancing, you're an asshole apparently
At this point, I'm miserable and want to just sulk in the corner. I haven't had one goddamned gin and tonic, and I'm pretty much fed up with anything enjoyable. This coincides with the DJ playing that tune you haven't heard in forever. A Rockell or Jagged Edge song. People dancing in unison, looking like a more amplified version of the "Step in the Name of Love."

If you're not dancing, it will most likely offend someone (most likely a friend, hopefully not a stranger), and they'll pull you to the floor. I realized I just can't dance sober, because I actually give a fuck about how I look. I didn't wanna embarrass my friend, who literally punched me this weekend because I wasn't dancing. Drunk people: Chill.

Frequently bumping into people
It's hard enough walking through this ant-hill-like labyrinth when the club is popping, while you got that swerve. But when you're sober, you tend to notice how many times people bump into you, which is a lot. It's a stupid complaint, really, but it's a "swerve" for a reason. When you're fucked up, you don't even notice the shoulder-to-shoulder bumps that happen as you make your way to the bathroom, but you do it a lot. Sometimes they spill drinks on you or step on your brand-new white Nikes, and at that point, you've pretty much had it with everyone.

People don't tip during drink specials
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you cheap bastards, but you're supposed to tip on drink specials. Especially when it's an hour or two of free drinks. Are you mad?? Don't get me wrong; there are people who are tipping, but some stingy dickholes leave zero at the bar and then dissolve into the crowd never to be seen again. Those people can all can just rot in hell.

Attention to club projections
A lot of clubs like to project kitschy movies or music videos -- sometimes borderline Alejandro Jodorowsky shit. It usually complements the club vibe with imagery, adds to the overall brand of whatever night you're going to. You go to a goth night, you'll probably see a projection of Begotten. You all are too drunk to even notice the plot of some of these movies, but I had the chance to watch a couple of them. Some make sense, but some of these have no place being projected alongside the music you're listening to. Who cares, though, I guess. No one was paying attention except me.

I would list more things, but at this point I already left the club to go home and complain to my girlfriend about my night.

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