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Sober Observations of People All Drunk and Stupid at the Club

Some of the saddest and most depressing moments you'll ever have in your life will be when you're drunk or high at a club -- but you won't realize it, because you're drunk and high at a club. Naturally, a complete loss of inhibition causes you to do the dumbest shit without realizing how annoying and possibly offensive you are.

The past couple of weeks, I cut alcohol completely out of my diet. After putting on a couple of pounds this past year, I stopped boozing. This sobriety makes going out at night a chore and transforms me into a more cynical bastard (possible friend-loss involved). Nowadays, I spend time observing how annoying we all are when out in that hotbed of germs, sweat, and piss: the club. Sorta like that movie They Live in which Rowdy Roddy Piper wears a pair of shades and sees everyone as aliens, I put my sober shades on and saw all you jerks doing the following shit.

Accelerated Dancing (Bad and Good)
We're in South Florida. There's something in our DNA that gives us the ability to dance somewhat well. You could be the most uptight person, but when you mix the drank with a little bit of hometown anthems like "Nann Nigga" or "Hoochie Mama," a trigger goes off and you get grimy for the right reasons.

Sometimes, though, shitty dance genes seep through the cracks, and you get on some Carlton shit when you on the sip. Saw a dude this weekend do the rope thing with a girl, and I think the thought process going into it for these people was, "Fuck it, it's corny in a good way." And if I were drunk, I'd say the same, but sadly I wasn't.

Old Dirty Bastard's "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" becomes the best song ever
Well, it kinda is already, but drunk people tend to sing this like there's a gun to their head and life depends on how dumb they dance to it. Nothing obnoxious and douchey about this, though. Actually, this song might get you fucked up by itself.

If you're not dancing, you're an asshole apparently
At this point, I'm miserable and want to just sulk in the corner. I haven't had one goddamned gin and tonic, and I'm pretty much fed up with anything enjoyable. This coincides with the DJ playing that tune you haven't heard in forever. A Rockell or Jagged Edge song. People dancing in unison, looking like a more amplified version of the "Step in the Name of Love."

If you're not dancing, it will most likely offend someone (most likely a friend, hopefully not a stranger), and they'll pull you to the floor. I realized I just can't dance sober, because I actually give a fuck about how I look. I didn't wanna embarrass my friend, who literally punched me this weekend because I wasn't dancing. Drunk people: Chill.

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Ryan Morejon

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