December 14, 2012 | 8:27am
Do you think it'll be corny to yell out, "ahoy matey" at everyone I meet once aboard the S.S. Coachella? No, right? It's totally cool. Coachella cool.
This Sunday evening, the cruise ship filled with musical acts fit for the classic desert Coachella stage, like Pulp and Hot Chip, sets sail from Port Everglades. And I'm gonna be on that ship. It's never too late for a first time cruise, and this will be mine. I put together this list of stuff I think'll come in handy on the high seas, but I'm totally open to suggestions and criticisms in the comments. Like maybe I should say "aaarrghhhh" instead of "ahoy?" Click on for some other great S.S. Coachella ideas and what to bring on this maiden voyage.
10. Ear Plugs
Are boats like airplanes? Do your ears pop with the champagne bottles as you float away from shore? I don't think so. But with acts like Girl Talk and Sleigh Bells onboard, there's a good chance your ears will burst from all that big noise or those brilliant beats.
Ear plugs today are the best friend of your ears 40 years from now.
Good God, there's nothing more stylistically horrifying than those wide-brimmed floppy hats the "hip" girls are wearing these days. In their flowing, floor length dresses, and huge clonking wedges, they're always in a state of "cool" that causes others to shutter or drool.
But on the S.S. Coachella, you're gonna need a hat. A baseball cap might be too little league. A cowboy hat too late '90s Madonna. I got an old beaut I bought at Zion National Park that'll do just fine! I'm dustin' that off right now.
8. Goofy Clothing
Since cell phones don't work out there in international seas, wearing your most crazy getups'll get you to your cruise mate faster than just yelling and walking around without direction and tears in your eyes.
7. Lee Press-On Nails
Among a bunch of other special on board activities
, Alexis Krauss of Sleigh Bells will be hosting an event focused on fancy nails. Ria Lopez'll be making your hands look super sexy. As a gross-me-out nail-biter, I'll be forced to wear these, Lee Press-On Nails.
6. Judgmental Look
Bathing suit lounging is the great leveler, so you may not need this line of defense. But in case you act like a real ignoramus, all drunk and sloppy, just slap on one of your best judgmental looks. Everyone will be fooled into believing they're the ones acting like dorks.
5. Friend Who Knows More About Music Than You Do
This friend will walk around with Ray-Bans and a judgmental look the whole time. Dog with headphones is optional.
7. Fake Tan Lotion with SPF
All the northern cruisers, white and pasty from a long winter, will not be able to give you their judgmental glares without this important protection. When you don't know the band playing or you loudly question the "Friend Who Knows More About Music Than You Do" what group that guy James Murphy was in, tanning lotion will keep you looking do-able though dumb.
For the pukey seasick folk like yours truly, Bonine'll hopefully do the trick, or I'll be losing a lot of weight on the S.S. Coachella.
To document all of the embarrassing follies of your cruise companions and record performances that'll never leave your camera. It'll just make you feel "a part of it all."
1. Stretchy Pants
'Cause as long as your stomach is good, you know you're gonna eat like there's no tomorrow. This is why people cruise. To eat. Long live the stretchy pants!
Bon voyage, Coachella cruisers!
S.S. Coachella: With Girl Talk, Pulp, Hot Chip, Yeasayer, Sleigh Bells, and others. Bahamas voyage from December 16 to 19, and Jamaica voyage, December 19 to 23, Port Everglades, 1850 Eller Drive, Fort Lauderdale. Tickets cost $500 to $1,500. Visit ss.coachella.com.