Talking Shit

Suggestions for Lil Wayne's Alcohol-Free Backstage Party Zone

Lil Wayne's been maintaining a clear head since he was released from Riker's Island last November. Sure, it's court-ordered, but at least Weezy's living by the book. Part of his three-year probation is that Tha Carter doesn't drink or drug during the three years he is under the court's watch. So, Lil Wayne keeps his backstage alcohol-free.

Of course, fans who go to see the "I Am Still Music" tour coming to West Palm Beach's Cruzan Amphitheatre on August 2 can totally get wasted as they watch the show. The dry zone doesn't extend into the rest of the venue; it's just Wayne and staff who can't pop champagne, sip syrup, or even have a couple of Green Apple Lemontinis. No big whoop -- there are still plenty of ways to have fun without getting ripped.

First of all, they can have all the Drank they want. Not to be confused with the recreational cocktail of Sprite, Jolly Ranchers, and prescription-strength cough syrup, Purple Drank. Drank is a legal, calming drink. It's the opposite of Red Bull. It promises to slow your roll. Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's not fun! We can imagine Weez getting all extremely relaxed on its proprietary blend of melatonin, valerian root, and rose hips.

If they wanna kick it up -- er, down -- a notch, the same Kwik Stops that sell Lil Wayne's blunt wraps also sell Lazy Cakes relaxation brownies. Just like Drank, these brownies use legal herbs to help you chill the fuck out. We know Lil Wayne and fam don't want to just veg out, especially before a show; they need something to get their energy boosted and their blood boiling too.

If they want to get coked up without using cocaine and maybe have some psychotropic/dysphoric fits and hallucinations, they can try coasting the Ivory Wave. Sold as bath salts and black-marketed as a safe and legal substitute for cocaine, these bath salts give the user tons of energy and pep -- enough pep to perform a three-hour concert, talking about books they should get around to reading, and slicing their faces off.

Actually, Lil Wayne will be better off he just gets into meditation, embraces his court-ordered sobriety, and learns to enjoy life without codeine and Jim Beam. Which, for all we know, he may be. It would be really precious to see Weezy and his entourage in the dressing room, sitting on some yoga mats, listening to Enya, and being guided to find their spirit animal.

After reflecting within himself and finding his center, Wayne can down some Jolt Cola or maybe Lil Jon's Crunk Energy drink. He'll be Swag Surfing the shit out of the crowd and not worrying about accidentally trying to rip his own face off.

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Jose Flores
Contact: Jose Flores