"Do you want to see some titties?"
With a rebel yell, the SuicideGirls let everyone know, this is not your grandma's burlesque troupe. Most of the ladies we know who engage in the tasteful strip are quick to point out the French art of tease's higher level of class and creativity.
The Blackheart Burlesque troupe is certainly creative, and holy shit can they dance, but they make no bones about the fact that they're hocking a soft porn site. They don't give a shit about being demure. They just want to make sure you upload your pics with #DatAss.
See also: Slideshow of Suicide Girls at Culture Room in Fort Lauderdale
This worked perfectly for the crowd at Culture Room. Fort Lauderdale is not a town known for its high-brow art lovers, not that we're saying they aren't there. We're just saying it's not what Fort Thotterdale is known for.
It's also safe to say most of the people in attendance had no idea what they were in for. They just saw "SuicideGirls" and figured it'd be worth the spank bank material.
When the first girl hit the stage, it was in a traditional corset and gloves getup. She shimmied across the stage to some sultry jazz and did the usual thing, to which there was slight applause, but the point was made. That shit is kind of boring and overdone. She was quickly replaced with a bunch of girls in plush animal onesies, jumping around salaciously to Die Antwoord. Shit got weird, fast. Then it got naked.
This very bizarre sexual display had every red-blooded crowd-member turnt up and foaming at the zipper. It was all hoots and hollers as the host came out to be all "titties," "take all the pictures you want," and "a SuicideGirls membership is just $5 a month." Lest we forget, this whole shindig is about securing that automatic charge.
See also: SuicideGirls' Missy Suicide Talks About Her "Beautiful Sorority of Badass Babes"
That being said, we've never been to a more entertaining fundraiser in our lives. You know the Pussycat Dolls? SG just whipped them in the mouth with their peens. Watching them dance was like watching a Beyoncé video where Beyoncé doesn't just allude to taking her clothes off and humping the floor; she literally gets butt-ass naked and humps the floor.
These girls are incredible entertainers. They put every video ho-fessional to shame. They could probably backup-dance for Madonna if they wanted to, but it's way more fun to shake your electrical-taped tatas to Nine in Nails and the Zelda theme song.
SuicideGirls are beloved for their tatted, nerd-tinged edge factor, and the numbers represented this left-of-normie distinction. There was a little something for everyone, from the goths to the gamers, the punks, the sci-fi geeks, and the cinefiles. It was kinda like the internet came to life and showed you its privates.
But as much as the professional numbers were awesome, the best part was when they invited local Floridians up onstage. Will young women show their tits for free? Oh, they will, and they did. Most specifically, this one girl did, and it was probably the highlight of her life, which is a little "oh, girl," but like also, you do you, beau.
We have to give it up for the dude who managed to pass the reading comprehension test, despite taking in the sights of a killer lap dance. You're one "smart tool," and you've got the right kind of friends.
By the end of the night, every dude was hitting on pretty much anything with a vagina that walked. If you didn't have an ass to bend over, you were in a desperate texting frenzy to find one. It's safe to say SuicideGirls earned a few new subscribers.
All we can say is, God bless the SuicideGirls. Sure, you don't want your daughter to be one, but you're sure fuckin' glad they exist.
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.
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