There's no better time to profess or reconfirm your love with an obese teddy bear and a cardboard box of sickly sweet chocolates than on Valentine's Day. Oddly, February 14 is also known as Singles Awareness Day, when many of the unloved find themselves wearing their exes' sweaters, sobbing uncontrollably into a $3 bottle of red wine. Not that we've done that or anything...
Sure, the obnoxious amount of red and pink puked by Cupid all over store walls, online ads, and in the Valentine sent to you by your weirdly excited cat-lover coworker is a tad overwhelming, but really, there's a lot of good to the hoopla. Even without any of the couples stuff, V-Day is the night when getting laid is the easiest and parties are aplenty. So whether you're spending the night and three quarters of your savings on a longtime romance, making small talk with that weird guy on Christian Mingle, or embracing your supersexy single self, there's a gathering in either Broward or Palm Beach counties that will satisfy your inner Marvin Gaye.
1. Alan Parsons Live Project and the Orchestra with Former Members of ELO
8 p.m. Thursday, February 13, at Hard Rock Live, 1 Seminole Way, Fort Lauderdale. Tickets cost $39 to $59, plus fees. Call 954-797-5531, or visit hardrocklivehollywoodfl.com.
To start off the list, we have an event that kicks off Valentine's festivities one day early. Prepare yourself for a classy evening with Grammy Award-winner Alan Parsons. Trust us, it's way different from watching musicians who strum in a room with $1 beer specials.
2. Andrea Bocelli
8 p.m. Friday, February 14, at BB&T Center, 1 Panther Parkway, Sunrise. Tickets cost $80 to $380, plus fees. Visit thebbtcenter.com.
This talented Italian tenor's "Time to Say Goodbye" caught the ear of the frat crowd in that heartwarming tale of sibling rivalry, Stepbrothers. However, we'll have you know that the globally famous Bocelli has a lot more songs worth hearing than just that one. He'll be performing hits from his new album, Love in Portofino, as well as some of his classics. Just a heads-up: It probably won't be appropriate to yell "It's the Fucking Catalina wine mixer!" when "Time to Say Goodbye" starts playing. Pow!
3. Jeff Ross
8 p.m. Friday, February 14, at Fort Lauderdale Improv, 5700 Seminole Way, Hollywood. 21 and over. Tickets cost $25 to $51.72, plus fees. Visit ftl.improv.com.
Dinner and a movie for a date is seriously so high school. If you're planning on doing that, you might as well have your mom drop you off in the station wagon and pick you up before 10 while you're at it. Instead, take your loved one (or just someone you really, really like) on a real date. Jeff Ross, the "Roastmaster General," will grace the Fort Lauderdale Improv on the 14th. He's roasted an impressive slew of famous celebrities such as Pamela Anderson, Charlie Sheen, Hugh Hefner, and Shaquille O'Neal, and who knows? He might just roast you too.
See also: Jeff Ross Sees Roasts as "a Real Showcase for New Comedians"