There's no better time to profess or reconfirm your love with an obese teddy bear and a cardboard box of sickly sweet chocolates than on Valentine's Day. Oddly enough, February 14 is also known as Singles Awareness Day, when many of the unloved find themselves wearing their exes' sweaters, sobbing uncontrollably into a $3 bottle of red wine. Not that we've done that or anything...
Sure, the obnoxious amount of red and pink puked by Cupid all over store walls, online ads, and in the Valentine sent to you by your weirdly excited cat-lover coworker is a tad overwhelming, but really, there's a lot of good to the hoopla. Even without any of the couples stuff, V-Day is the night when getting laid is the easiest and parties are aplenty. So whether you're spending the night and three quarters of your savings on a long-time romance, making small talk with that weird guy on Christian Mingle, or embracing your supersexy single self, there's a gathering in either Broward or Palm Beach counties that will satisfy your inner Marvin Gaye.
1. Alan Parsons Live Project and the Orchestra With Former Members of ELO
8 p.m. Thursday, February 13, at Hard Rock Live, 1 Seminole Way, Fort Lauderdale. Tickets cost $39 to $59, plus fees. Call 954-797-5531, or visit hardrocklivehollywoodfl.com.
To start off the list, we have an event that kicks off Valentine's festivities one day early. Prepare yourself for a classy evening with Grammy Award-winner Alan Parsons. Trust us, it's way different from watching musicians who strum in a room with $1 beer specials.
2. Andrea Bocelli
8 p.m. Friday, February 14, at BB&T Center, 1 Panther Parkway, Sunrise. Tickets cost $80 to $380, plus fees. Visit thebbtcenter.com.
This talented Italian tenor's "Time to Say Goodbye" caught the ear of the frat crowd in that heartwarming tale of sibling rivalry, Stepbrothers. However, we'll have you know that the globally famous Bocelli has a lot more songs worth hearing than just that one. He'll be performing hits from his new album, Love in Portofino, as well as some of his classics. Just a heads-up: It probably won't be appropriate to yell "It's the Fucking Catalina wine mixer!" when "Time to Say Goodbye" starts playing. Pow!
3. Jeffrey Ross
8 p.m. Friday, February 14, at Fort Lauderdale Improv, 5700 Seminole Way, Hollywood. 21 and over. Tickets cost $25 to $51.72, plus fees. Visit ftl.improv.com.
Dinner and a movie for a date is seriously so high school. If you're planning on doing that, you might as well have your mom drop you off in the station wagon and pick you up before 10 while you're at it. Instead, take your loved one (or just someone you really, really like) on a real date. Jeffrey Ross, the "Roastmaster General," will grace the Fort Lauderdale Improv on the 14th. He's roasted an impressive slew of famous celebrities such as Pamela Anderson, Charlie Sheen, Hugh Hefner, and Shaquille O'Neal, and who knows? He might just roast you too.
4. The Slackers and Stop the Presses
8 p.m. Friday, February 14, at Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave, Miami. Free admission. Visit churchillspub.com.
"Jamaican rock 'n' roll" meets good, old-fashioned ska at this event at Churchill's. It sounded so good, we had to let a Miami event slide in on this list. Just don't lean against the walls in that place — you may get pregnant.
5. Jo Koy
8 p.m. Friday, February 14, at Palm Beach Improv at 550 S. Rosemary Ave., Suite 250, West Palm Beach. 21 and over. Tickets cost $25 to $54.72, plus fees. Visit palmbeachimprov.com.
If you prefer your comedy medium rare instead of roasted (see what we did there?), get on down to the Palm Beach Improv to see Jo Koy in action. He may just throw in more hilarious stories about his mom and son to make your family seem normal.
6. The Anti-Valentine's Day Affair
9 p.m. Friday, February 14, at Living Room Bar & Lounge at the W, 401 N. Fort Lauderdale Beach Blvd., Fort Lauderdale. Tickets cost $15 to $1,000. Visit fllnightlife.com/wfll.
Screw Valentine's Day. Well, just for this event, at least. Living Room hosts its first anti-Valentine's Day occasion for single folks. Couples are the outcasts here. All must don wristbands in either green, yellow, or red. Green means you're ready to mingle, yellow implies that you're on the fence, and red means you're taken. Other parts of the festivities include music by DJ Richie Rich, champagne specials, and a signature Valentine's Day cocktail, Blush, from Living Room.
7. Grown Folks Nite of Southern Soul, Old School, and R&B With Lebrado and DJ Beware
8:30 p.m. Friday, February 14, at Gaines Park, 1501 N. Australian Ave., West Palm Beach. Tickets cost $45 to $55 plus fees. Visit eventbrite.com.
Remember K-Ci and Jojo, whose "All My Life" dominated Power 96's Power Love Hour? Well, they won't be playing at Gaines Park, but their little brother Lebrado will, joined by DJ Beware and with R&B tunes smooth enough to melt butter. This affair will get you in a baby-making mood. Don't forget the afterparty at Celebrity Restaurant and Lounge.
8. Black Hearts Valentine's Day Metal Show
8 p.m. Friday, February 14, at Propaganda, 6 S. J St., Lake Worth. Visit Facebook.com/PropagandaLakeWorth.
This metal show will be as brutal musically as Valentine's Day is for the loveless. The Glorious Death, Anicca, Fall of Olympus, and Loyal Until Death will dominate the heart-free Prop stage for a night of darkness and drunkenness. Cocktails and Yuengling drafts are three bucks, and Jameson shots are five. Ladies, of course, drink free.
9. Big Sandy and His Fly-Rite Boys at the Monterey Club
9 p.m. Friday, February 14, at the Monterey Club, 2608 S. Federal Highway, Fort Lauderdale. Admission costs $11.54. Visit twitter.com/themontereyclub.
If dancing is your idea of a good time — and it should be — then the newly reopened Monterey Club has a ton of fun planned for Valentine's Day with Big Sandy and His Fly-Rite Boys. Slick back your pomp, lace up your wingtips, and put your best foot forward.
10. Sweet Bronco & Friendzzz
10 p.m. Friday, February 14, at Dada, 52 N. Swinton Ave., Delray Beach. Free admission. Visit sub-culture.org/dada.
It's rare that you can get a scrumptious three-course meal for $50, but at Dada this Valentine's Day, it's possible. Local indie legends Sweet Bronco perform with roses for the ladies. Can you say "I do"? Seriously, what's better than not having to worry about getting flowers and cooking dinner?