You never know what will happen when you go out in downtown Fort Lauderdale. Who will you see? What will you do? How long will it take to heal?
It can be an unpredictable mash of booze and muscles. But there is one certainty in any given night spent wondering through downtown Fort Lauderdale. You will come into contact with one, if not all, of the following people.
1. The bathroom attendant
Ugh. This guy. Whoever thought the bathroom attendant was a good idea deserves a swirly. This isn't the Waldorf Astoria. This is a bar that serves seven different drinks with the word 'slut' in them. Having someone squirt soap in my hand and offer me a mint doesn't make me feel fancy when I'm standing in a quarter inch of urine and whiskey.
Just don't make eye contact, zip up, and leave. Sorry, you're not getting a tip. If I wanted to pay someone to watch me pee I'd go on Craigslist.
2. The apathetic cop
He's leaning on the hood of his cruiser in front of America's Backyard, wondering why his job isn't more like those Bruce Willis movies. Every now and then he'll tell someone to stay on the sidewalk, but his poor taser just sits there collecting dust.
3. The shot girl
The downtown Fort Lauderdale shot girl is not to be trusted. Whether she's dancing on the bar in assless chaps or working the streets in a gravity-defying bra engineered by NASA, it's important to remember that she does not care about you. She is not trying to sell you that blue vile of vodka/hose water because she thinks you have pretty eyes. She just wants to sell these shots so she can go home and eat ice cream.
When one approaches, I like to picture them fully clothed. I mentally wrap them up in puffy jackets, and turtle neck sweaters. It makes it easier to say no.
4. The personal space Nazi
Don't you dare bump into him. It doesn't matter that the bar is eight times over capacity and there's a drunk girl using you as a fullback to get to the bathroom.
You just scuffed up his three month old Vans, and now it's ON.
5. The personal space invader
This guy wants a high five, a hug, a kiss on the cheek.
"Come on man, we just scored a touchdown! Let's celebrate!"
You go along with it until you look up at the TV's and see that there's no football game on.
6. The bar hog
The bar hog only comes out at around midnight, just when the place is starting to fill up. The hog has three full drinks in front of it, but still feels the need to occupy as much bar space as possible.
Don't try to outsmart the hog, either. No matter where you try and go -- no matter how many laps around the bar you take, the hog will always be in front of you, following like the gaze of the Mona Lisa.
7. The Roger Murtaugh
You'll see this guy walking hand in hand with a women who was probably learning to crawl by the time he got his first divorce. His shirt is shiny. His skin looks like a wet cigar. He chases his shots with blood pressure medication.
And quite simply, he's getting too old for this shit.
8. The jogger
For some reason, around 11 p.m. on a Saturday night, there's always someone jogging down Las Olas. It's unclear whether this person is lost or enjoys burning extra calories weaving in and out of hoards of drunken zombies.
Invest in a treadmill, please. You just sweated into my craft beer.
9. The lighter-less smoker
The lighter-less smoker approaches with a full pack of cigarettes, a Marlboro T-shirt, and a tattoo that says, "I love smoking."
Yet he always asks you for a light. Get your act together, man! You can spend twelve bucks on American Spirits but you don't have time to buy a 99 cent lighter? Get an e-cigarette you unprepared moocher.
10. The wannabe flair bartender
He's juggling limes, twirling around a bottle opener, shaving a hint of white truffle over the rim of your glass. This guy's Facebook page definitely has the word mixologist somewhere on it.
That's all good and nice, buddy, but I ordered a Bud Light. So can you stop lighting shit on fire and hand me my beer?
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