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Ten People You'll See While Partying in Fort Lauderdale

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3. The shot girl

The downtown Fort Lauderdale shot girl is not to be trusted. Whether she's dancing on the bar in assless chaps or working the streets in a gravity-defying bra engineered by NASA, it's important to remember that she does not care about you. She is not trying to sell you that blue vile of vodka/hose water because she thinks you have pretty eyes. She just wants to sell these shots so she can go home and eat ice cream.

When one approaches, I like to picture them fully clothed. I mentally wrap them up in puffy jackets, and turtle neck sweaters. It makes it easier to say no.

4. The personal space Nazi

Don't you dare bump into him. It doesn't matter that the bar is eight times over capacity and there's a drunk girl using you as a fullback to get to the bathroom.

You just scuffed up his three month old Vans, and now it's ON.

5. The personal space invader

This guy wants a high five, a hug, a kiss on the cheek.

"Come on man, we just scored a touchdown! Let's celebrate!"

You go along with it until you look up at the TV's and see that there's no football game on.

6. The bar hog

The bar hog only comes out at around midnight, just when the place is starting to fill up. The hog has three full drinks in front of it, but still feels the need to occupy as much bar space as possible.

Don't try to outsmart the hog, either. No matter where you try and go -- no matter how many laps around the bar you take, the hog will always be in front of you, following like the gaze of the Mona Lisa.

7. The Roger Murtaugh

You'll see this guy walking hand in hand with a women who was probably learning to crawl by the time he got his first divorce. His shirt is shiny. His skin looks like a wet cigar. He chases his shots with blood pressure medication.

And quite simply, he's getting too old for this shit.

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Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.
Contact: Ryan Pfeffer

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