Every few months, R. Kelly slithers out of his sex-weed dungeon to manically and maniacally spatter the product of his prolific undertakings into the ears of the world. His recent time away from the spotlight was even more productive than usual. The infamous R&B megastar dropped a tell-all autobiography, Soulacoaster; a new album, Write Me Back; and just announced a two-month-long U.S. tour, the amusingly titled "Single Ladies Tour."
10. R. Kelly Can Still Sing
The New York Times set out to review the new Trey Songz album, but half the piece was about how awesome our boy Kells is. The Grey Lady described the man who penned the lyrics to "Ignition (Remix)" as "a channeler of outrageously deep sentiment" and "in easy command of his gift."
9. R. Kelly Doesn't Hang Out With Tyler the Creator
Look, we love that Frank Ocean record like the good content-leech bloggers that we are. But what's he doing hanging with those Odd Future roughnecks?
8. R. Kelly Still Chills With Jay-Z
Hova is exactly the kind of positive association you want to keep if you're trying to be successful as a lurid R&B vocalist. However, Count Grind can't help but wonder how hip-hop's royal hierarchy sorts itself these days. Matters only get more complicated when you figure in that Jay-Z is sharing his throne with Kanye West.
7. R. Kelly Wrote an Autobiography Even Though He Is Illiterate
Much like the majority of the writers constituting the blogosphere (present company included), His Majesty can barely spell his own fucking name. But at least he's honest about it.
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6. R. Kelly Brought Postmodernism to Hip-Hop Soul
Before The-Dream or The Weeknd were crooning silky-smooth R&B jams about silky-smooth R&B jams, R. Kelly was the first raunchy balladeer to go meta.
5. R. Kelly Could (Should?) Star in a One-Man Musical
Speaking of the postmodern canon of Robert Kelly, has anyone in any pop genre composed anything as rich and ridiculous as Trapped In The Closet? There have been other hip-hoperas. But there is only one Sylvester.
4. R. Kelly is Still Trapped in the Closet
BTW, we hope you enjoyed the first 22 vertiginous chapters of TITC, because The King is about to drop 32 more!
3. R. Kelly Still Loves "Single Ladies"
Maybe the singer's success demonstrates the power of suggestion? And/or positive thinking? You know, manifest your own reality, "If you name it, they will come," etc.
2. R. Kelly On His New Album: "There Will Be Dirty Songs About Sex"
The internet is billing this as Kelly's "return to raunch," but we have to pose the question: Did he ever really leave it?
1. R. Kelly Peed on an Underaged Girl and Got Away With It. WTF?!
If you or we pissed on anyone, let alone a young girl, we'd be behind bars, tarred, feathered, drawn and quartered, and then sent up shit's creek without a paddle. Real talk.